


Loving Ben Solo

by wildcat_88



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Growing Up, Loss of Virginity, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Slow Burn, True Love, Underage Kissing, Underage Smoking, Vaginal Fingering, ben solo has issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-21 11:11:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15556422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildcat_88/pseuds/wildcat_88
Summary: It was his laugh resonating through the house that I remember as being my first memory of him and the way his footfalls were heavy, loud.It was when I was four years old that Ben Solo captivated me in every way possible.He was my dad's best friend.





	1. Twilight

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to all my readers for being precious cinnamon rolls!  
> You all mean so much to me and I'm so grateful for all of your endless support!
> 
> Seriously I know I just keep writing stories upon stories, but as a writer that's just how it is. When inspiration strikes I just can't ignore it, but that doesn't mean I won't finish up other stories or do as I said I would. Sometimes the inspiration just isn't there for that particular story, but I never give up on my creations so please don't give up on me!
> 
> You all are so lovely to me and I can't say thank you enough!
> 
> Much love <3

 

Rey

Most people don't remember the day they were born, but somehow I can still see my dad's smile beaming down at me. There were tears in his eyes and he looked so happy. He told me that when he held me in his arms he felt whole again and that he knew I would forever be his little angel. To him, I was the one who woke up each morning to put each cloud in the sky and hang the sun just right for him. Even though there was a pain in my dad's heart from losing my mama the day I entered this world, he never once made me feel like I was at fault. He loved me too much and he still does.

My dad is a bit overprotective and it can be quite suffocating. Still, he taught me what a father was supposed to be like. He did everything in his power to ensure that I was safe. He spent countless hours making me a dollhouse, a new dresser which he painted purple as I requested, and did so many more things for me that most fathers would probably write off as silly or not worth their time. My dad treated me like a princess.

He was my protector. My hero. The one who would save me from the dragon that held me captive in the tower.

This story is more than just how my dad loved me so much…it's also about the other man in my life who turned out to be my protector also. The man that had issues and demons that haunted him, but made me feel like I could do anything I put my mind to.

It was his laugh resonating through the house that I remember as being my first memory of him and the way his footfalls were heavy, loud.

It was when I was four years old that Ben Solo captivated me in every way possible.

He was my dad's best friend.

* * *

 

Age 6

"Keep up Ben!" I giggle running as fast as my tiny legs will carry me.

"Slow down!" He calls behind me and I only run faster to escape him.

I'm not paying attention and end up tripping over a tree root falling hard enough to skin my elbows. My bottom lip quivers, tears have already begun spilling down my cheeks. I'm hoisted into Ben's arms only a moment later, my arms wrap around his neck pressing my face into his warmth.

"Shh, it's okay sweetheart." He runs soothing circles over my back as he leads us back to the house. He manages to push the door open easily holding me with one arm as he does so. Once inside he heads straight to the bathroom gently sitting me on the edge of the sink. He reaches over to grab the first-aid kit out of the cabinet and pulls out Neosporin along with a couple Band-Aids. Long fingers wrapped around my wrist enveloping it, with a soft motion he turns my arm to the side to get a better look at the cuts.

"Is it bad?" My voice is choked up with tears.

A warm smile tugs at the corner of his lips, "Just a couple minor scratches. I'll clean it up and you should be good to go."

He cleans the cuts off with water, massaging soap around them to get rid of the dirt that mars my skin. Once he's done with the cleaning process, he places the jelly stuff on my elbows making me giggle due to it being a ticklish spot.

 Warmth radiates off of Ben, I've always thought him to be a human heater, and some part of me always wants to snuggle into it like I do with my favorite stuffed animals. I think Ben would be a great cuddle partner. My dad sometimes gets cold so he needs a layer of blankets to make himself warm. Maybe Ben would let me cuddle with him sometime.

After the bandages are applied he helps me off the counter. Ben towers over me, it used to scare me, but now it makes me feel safe. If need be Ben could easily protect me from all the monsters that try to scare me in the night.

"How about I make you a PB and J sandwich and we watch a movie for now? Sound good kid?"

I nodded excitedly and that earned me one of Ben's hearty laughs. I race into the living room tugging open the drawer with all my favorite movies, my eyes scan over all of them until they land on ‘The Lion King.' I grab it, opening the DVD player, and placed the disk inside.

My dad had taught me how to use this all on my own. He worked long hours and Ben offered to babysit me. I wasn't quite sure why Ben was around so often. He was here when I went to sleep and when I woke up. Sometimes when he didn't see me I'd see a very sad expression on his face, but once he saw me it disappeared replaced with a big smile. I still see his sad eyes in my head and wonder why he looked that way.

Ben enters the living room, the sandwich on a plate. If my dad knew Ben let me ate on the couch he would have a fit, but it was mine and Ben's little secret. Jumping onto the couch I plopped down extending my arms towards him. He chuckled placing the plate in my hands, there was a bottle of some sort in his hand he brought it to his lips as he sat down beside me.

"Lion King, good choice kid," he said ruffling my hair. Playfully I batted his hand away and began to devour the sandwich. Ben always made them perfectly and always cut off the crust just for me.

As we are watching the movie my dad suddenly walks in eyes pinpointed on the plate in my hands. His eyes narrow and shift to Ben who knows he's in trouble.

"It's just a sandwich," Ben murmurs standing to his feet taking the plate from my hand.

"Rey, go to your room," my dad snaps.

I shoot Ben a sad smile before I run to my room slamming it behind me. It wasn't fair that Ben was going to get into trouble just because he was letting me be a big kid.

 I fall asleep and wake to darkness.

I hate the dark, throwing my covers off I quickly move to turn on the light so I can plug in my nightlight, but the sound of loud voices draws me to open my door and venture to where it is coming from.

"You're a wreck! Give me the fucking bottle Ben!" I'm startled by my dad's vicious tone. Frozen in place just outside the kitchen.

"Let me die in peace Chris. For fuck's sake leave me alone!"

"No! You were drinking around Rey today! Are you serious!?"

"It was just a beer! I would never get drunk around her and you know it!"

"Who is to say that one day you do decide to get drunk around her and something happens to her? I will not allow you to be a fucking drunk while living in my house Ben Solo!"

"Chris, stop! I said fucking stop!"

It's with that that I move slowly into the kitchen, tears spring to my eyes when I see Ben's hand wrapped around my dad's throat, and a bottle clutched in his other hand. Both their eyes snap to mine, there is a look of horror on Ben's face now. The bottle crashes to the ground and breaks. Ben lets go of my dad stumbling back glass cuts into his feet making blood appear on the ground. He looks so broken.

"Oh god Chris, please get her out of here," he chokes out and then he's sobbing covering his face with his hands.

My dad wastes no time in lifting me into his arms shielding me from the sight of Ben.

 _Ben…feel better_ …I whisper in my head as a tear slips down my cheek.

 

* * *

 

Age 8

"Earth to Rey." A hand waves over my face, it's Rose. Her mouth is twisted in disapproval, but she won't say anything about how I get lost inside my head all the time. To me living in my imagination is one of the best things to do. Rose could be a bit too serious and though I did enjoy being her friend I felt like she'd be the type to choose the cool kids over me someday. I preferred to hang out with Finn, but he was sick so he wasn't at school today.

Standing up I brush the grass off of my overalls. "What's up Rose?"

"The bell rang. I was looking for you all lunch! You really should have told me you were going to just daydream," she huffs out her hands on her waist as she pins me with an exasperated look.

"I'm sorry Rose. I just have a lot on my mind."

"You're eight years old Rey! It's okay to just be a kid. You act like you're older than everyone and it's getting old fast."

"If that's how you feel about it then why don't you just leave me alone," I snap practically baring my teeth at her like a rabid dog.

 Her eyes go wide on her skull before she turns away from me stomping back to the school.

Instead of heading back I decide to skip class and continue to watch the clouds shifting. Reaching my hand up to the sky I wonder if my mom is watching me. Dad said that she was always with me, but sometimes I felt so alone and she was nowhere in sight.

Ben still lived with us and I learned the reasons as to why he did. Dad told me that Ben and his wife divorced. She wasn't a very kind woman and took everything Ben had. Ben was left with nothing and nowhere to go which is why my dad offered him a job as well as a place to stay. Even though he had the means to afford his own place now, my dad told him to just stick around. He was really helpful in taking care of me when my dad couldn't escape work and it saved on the costs of hiring a babysitter.

It didn't upset me one bit that I got to spend so much time with Ben. He was my best friend and practically family by now. Even though I still longed for my mom, Ben had filled the wound in my heart due to her loss.

School ends, of course, the teacher found me, and I now sat outside the principal's office awaiting for my father's arrival. Yet, it turns out to be Ben instead. His face is stern as he stares down at me. I had never seen such a look on his face directed at me before and I sink in my chair.

"Hi Ben," I murmur.

He doesn't say anything instead he knocks on the door and goes inside the office shutting it behind him. They are in there for what feels like forever. Finally, he walks out.

"Let's go," he demands. I grab my backpack, standing on wobbly legs as I follow him outside to the parking lot.

Once we are seated in his truck he lets loose, "Are you serious Rey? Skipping class?"

"I got lost watching the clouds," I mumble dejectedly.

He lets out a deep sigh, "Rey, I know how much you love the sky and clouds, but school is important and your grades will suffer if you don't just suck it up and go to class."

"You're not my dad," I hiss crossing my arms over my chest.

"No, I'm not, but I still care about you and want the best for you. I will not just sit back and let you fail."

"That's a bit of a stretch Ben. I skipped once. My grades will still be intact."

"When did you get such an attitude?" He shakes his head, knuckles turning white as he clenches the steering wheel.

"I just want to go home."

He doesn't say another word, starting the truck, and we sit in silence as we head back home.

There's a tension between us that I'm not sure I entirely understand. Usually Ben and I are on the same page, but lately, we've been butting heads. I'm sure it's just because I'm growing up and Ben is almost like a brother or second father to me. One is more than enough if I'm being completely honest. I'm tired of having both of them breathing down my neck like I'm a child.

Well, I am a child, but still, I act a lot older than just eight-years-old. I would like to think I'm more mature than most kids my age, but if Ben or my father had a say in the matter they would just laugh at me and tell me I'm being ridiculous.

"What do you want to eat?" Ben asks a strain to his husky voice.

"I'm not hungry." I set my bag on the kitchen table pulling out my homework.

He turns, leaning against the counter crossing his arms over his broad chest. It wasn't like I hadn't noticed with age that Ben Solo was much more fit than most men his age. My dad was a bit on the chubby side, but Ben was all cut muscle and hard defined lines. Sometimes I would get lost in my head sketching out his taut biceps and the veins that ran along his forearms standing out against his pale skin.

"Rey, I'm sorry, but I am going to have to tell your dad about today."

He was talking to me as he always did. Knowing he was scolding me in a way that wasn't patronizing. Unlike my dad who is normally stern and only suffices to make me act out more, Ben has a way of calming me and not making me feel like I want to claw his eyes out. He doesn't treat me like I'm a child. I've always liked that about him.

"I know."

"Is something wrong? Did you want to talk to me about anything that's on your mind?"

Glancing over at him, he seems deflated, his shoulders are tense, and it's almost as if he's trying to go over all the ways to make me feel better. I can see it in his eyes. I've always been able to see how much he cares about me with those expressive pools of black.

"I miss my mom," I murmur feeling tears prick the corners of my eyes, "I thought that if I stayed just a little longer outside that maybe I would feel like she was with me, but there was nothing Ben. She's gone and she will never be by my side."

The tears pour over and slip down my cheeks.

"Oh sweetheart, that isn't true. She will always be by your side."

Before I know it I'm standing to wrap my arms around his waist, burying my face into his stomach. His strong, warm arms wrap around me pulling me closer to him. We stand like that for a long time, just me crying, and him soothing me.

"Rey, I hope you know I'll always be here for you. No matter what."

All I can do is nod and hold onto him tighter.

"I really love you kid, you just gotta be your best self for your dad and I okay?"

_He loves me?_

"I'll do my best…I-I love you too."

He presses a kiss to the crown of my head, "My girl," I hear him vaguely say, but can't be quite sure that's what he said. I write it off as just being my imagination and enjoy the comfort of being in his strong arms.

When my dad gets home, Ben does tell him what happened, but he tells my dad to go easy on me. My dad was, of course, upset, but when I told him how much I missed mom we both ended up crying in each other's arms. He told me all about her and for once in my life, I finally felt like I could be content with just her memory.

I slept like a baby that night.

* * *

 

Age 9

I'm being shaken awake, blearily I let out a moan pushing at the arm that keeps shaking me.

"Rey, please you need to get up."

Everything is blurry as I wipe the sleep from my eyes, pushing the covers off of me. When I'm able to see correctly my dad is shoving clothes into my hands.

"Dad, what is going on? What time is it?"

"It's Ben. He's in the hospital."

That lights a fire under my butt, I jump out of bed yanking my sleep clothes off and replacing them with the clothes my dad chose for me. It's dark outside as we head towards the hospital. Rushing inside my dad tugs my hand, he's panicked as he reaches the desk asking where Ben is at. The receptionist has to calm him down to ask questions until finally, she tells us what floor and room he is located in.

Dad presses the third-floor button like a madman. I've never seen my dad so frantic besides the time he was trying to make sure my volcano for science actually worked. We arrive on the third floor, my dad asks someone where room 212 is, and they point in the right direction. My heart thuds hard in my chest as we walk into the room. Ben is staring at the ceiling.

"Ben," my dad whispers letting go of my hands.

Ben snaps his gaze to both of us, I gasp covering my mouth with my hand. He has two black eyes that look extremely painful, his lip is cut, jaw bruised, and his hands are wrapped in bandages.

"What the hell happened?" My dad demands. Ben is almost like a child with the way he can't meet my dad's gaze.

"I got into a bit of a fight," His eyes dart to me, "Does she have to be in here?"

"She's old enough to hear how much of a fuck-up you've become."

Both Ben and I wince at my dad's brash comment.

"I picked a fight with the wrong people alright? They kicked the shit out of me. There are no broken bones, but I was left unconscious so they want to make sure that I don't have any trauma to the head."

"The wrong people you say?"

"I was outnumbered."

"Jesus Christ Ben! You're an alcoholic! You do understand this right?"

"Of course I understand," he spits angrily jaw clenching so tight I'm sure he's going to break his teeth.

"You want to keep seeing Rey?!?" My father yells more than asks, tears are falling down his cheeks. My father has finally reached his limit with Ben and the only card he has left to use is me.

Tortured ebony eyes latch onto mine for just a moment before they turn back to my father, "You're really going to use her against me?"

"I know how much you care about her and yes I will use her against you if it means you'll get help! I swear to god Ben that I will never let you see her again if you don't go to rehab."

"Dad," I exclaim clasping onto his forearm, "Please don't do this."

"You see what you've done Ben?! You're tearing us apart!"

A broken sound escapes Ben, he sounds like a dying animal as the sobs wrack his body.

"Please, Chris, don't let her see me like this," Ben begs his body hunched over.

"The damage is already done, Ben. You're going to rehab or else you'll be living on the streets to fend for yourself. I'm going to get a cup of coffee and when I come back you'll have made your choice."

My dad flees from the room leaving a broken Ben and me alone. Instinctively I move towards Ben, he shakes his head, "Please, Rey. Stay away from me."

I ignore him and climb into the bed next to him laying on my side I gently lay my palm on his forearm, "I'm here Ben. I won't leave you."

He cries, even more, rolling onto his side he covers his face with both hands. My fingers thread through his mass of black hair and I press a kiss to his temple.

He looks at me with that broken expression and my heart breaks even more at the sight. I was used to Ben being my safety net, but now it was my turn to be his protector.

"I'll get better kid, I promise I'll get better," he stammers dark orbs flitting between my eyes trying to see if I believe him.

"I know Ben. I know."

"I'll get better," he murmurs over and over again until exhaustion pulls him under.

Once he's asleep I let out the sobs I had been holding back. I wrap my arms around his head pulling him to my chest and even though I've never believed in God before I pray that Ben will be okay. I don't want to lose him to his demons. He means everything to me.

"I love you, Ben," I cry against his hair.

Please be okay…

* * *

 


	2. Big Girls Cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!!
> 
> I'm on tumblr as spikeisinspace :)
> 
>  
> 
> [Here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace)
> 
>  
> 
> Come say hi!
> 
> Much love <3

_September 9th_

Dear Rey,

I finally was allowed to be given a notebook and one pen that has hardly any ink in it. They told me that if I behave then I can get more rewards. It took everything out of me not to tear their heads off of their bodies. They treat me like a child here and of course, I hate it. Enough about me though. I want to hear how my favorite girl is doing. I know you just turned ten and I really wish I could have been there for it. I'm sorry for not being there for you anymore. Anyways, I want to hear all about how the party was and all the presents you received. How's school going? Are you still gazing at clouds passing by? I really hope that you never lose sight of just how amazing and intelligent you are. I know I'm a ‘fuck-up' as your dad so politely put it, but I'm going to get better. I promise. I miss you kid. Keep your head up.

Love Ben

 

_September 14th_

Ben,

Please don't tear the heads off of the workers I'm sure they are just doing their job, but still, I probably couldn't stand if they were treating me like a child either. Dad has been breathing down my neck even more lately and I'm at the point that I want to claw his eyes out. So, I guess we're both having to keep our cool as of late.

 My birthday party was uneventful and the presents were nice, but without you there it was boring and dull. You made every birthday I had fun. I know it was you who bought the piñata every time because dad forgot to buy it for the party. The kids were really upset, the cake was bland.

 I cried in my room wishing it was your homemade red velvet cake that I was eating. I would never have thought you would be such a talented baker. You could own your own bakery if you really wanted to. School sucks Ben. I'd rather be working on my dad's car, but I get by as best as I can. I still cloud gaze from time to time.

Ben, I know I'm only ten, but you're not a fuck-up, and I know you're going to get better, but until that day I will continue to miss you terribly. Just remember I'm always with you, Ben.

Love Rey

 

_September 25th_

Dear Rey,

Your dad just loves you is all. I understand it can be quite difficult having him bugging you all the time, but just do your best to understand where he is coming from too. I'm sorry to hear about your birthday.

I didn't know my presence there was so important. Now I'm really sorry I wasn't there.

Yes, it was me who bought the piñata, your dad couldn't remember to buy it for the life of him.

When I get back I will make you all the red velvet cake your heart desires so no more tears alright kid?

Still, owning my own bakery would be a challenge, but who knows what my future holds for me anymore.

Trust me I was not a big fan of school either, but you'll graduate, and maybe you can do something with engineering. Kid, thank you for believing in me. Sometimes I want to give up, but you and your father keep me going. I don't think a day will go by without me missing both of you.

Love Ben

 

_October 3rd,_

Dear Ben,

I know my dad loves me, but it still sucks that he thinks I can't handle myself. He's been really worried about me seeing you in the state you were in, but I'm not ashamed of you Ben.

 I want to know how you're doing? What have you been doing to keep your mind busy?

 I know how you are with numbers and calculations so being away from your work must be difficult. Maybe I can send my math homework to you and you can finish it for me…(just joking…kind of).

Time goes by too fast Ben. That's what I've come to realize since you've been gone.

I wish for you to have a speedy recovery.

I need you around Ben.

Love Rey

 

_October 10th,_

Rey,

I'm ashamed of myself. I let something so beneath me get to me this badly. If someone had told me I'd be a drunk by twenty-eight I would have laughed at them. Why your dad ever befriended my seventeen-year-old ass in the first place is beyond me. Then again he was impressed by my math skills so I guess it was a fair trade in the long run.

I never did tell you the story of how your dad and I met did I? Unless your dad already told you, but let me know if you want to hear it.

As for your math homework, I wish I could help you out kid, but I can't get kicked out (lol), do kids still say that?

 Anyways I've been sketching a lot lately kid to keep my mind busy, taking walks around the facility, working out. Anything that can keep my mind occupied, to be honest.

You don't need me, Rey.

You don't need anyone to achieve your dreams.

You are strong all on your own.

I'm just the crazy uncle that will be cheering you on from the sidelines.

Love Ben

_October 17th_

Ben,

Tell me the story of how you met my dad. And yes kids still say lol.

Love Rey

_October 24th_

Rey,

What are you going to be for Halloween?

Your dad and I met while I was at college. I graduated high school early. Yes, I hated school, but that didn't mean I didn't have a mother demanding excellence out of me.

I was an honors student and managed to gain a scholarship to Harvard. Your dad saw me solving some of the most difficult math questions out there and he asked me how I would feel working as his accountant. Of course, I thought it was silly at first, but he offered me a lot of cash and I was young at that time so I figured why not.

 I met your mom a few months later, she was huge! But so beautiful Rey. She was glowing.

I became really close to both your father and mother. Your father never pressured me when it came to working. I eventually came to learn that he knew who my mother was and how uptight she was. He used my smarts to get to know me and he showed me that life isn't all about books and numbers. He showed me what it was like to have a family that cares about me.

 I met my ex-wife a month before you were born and I should have known she would be cruel by the way she reacted when your mother passed away. I was a mess Rey until your father brought you out. You were a light in the darkness, so tiny…so precious. My heart was overfilled with instant love for you. When I held you in my arms it was over for me. You were perfect and you still are Rey.

I wasn't able to see you for a few years because I decided to move to where my ex-wife lived and I married her. I also worked my ass off to become something and right when I thought everything was set she tore the rug right out from underneath me. She took everything Rey. The house, the car, the dog, and the money. I know you're probably not old enough to hear this, but she was cheating on me with some top-grade lawyer who managed to weasel his way into winning.

That's when I turned to alcohol. Your dad was so worried about me. He figured if I was drinking in a safe environment that maybe I could surpass my demons. I had you and him, but I took it for granted. I hate myself for not being stronger, for not trying harder to put the damn drink down.

I'm still haunted by your eyes looking at me that day in the kitchen. I should have never laid my hands on your father. I never wanted you to see me so broken Rey.

Forgive me.

Love Ben

 

_October 31st_

Ben,

I was the joker.

Thank you, Ben, for sharing that story with me.

Please know that I forgave you long ago. I will always forgive you, Ben.

Just don't give up. Keep fighting.

Love Rey

 

_November 10th_

Of course, you were the joker.

I'm going to keep fighting.

Love Ben

* * *

 

"Wow, that's really beautiful!" Ms. Johnson exclaims, bending down beside me to inspect the ornament I made. She was my favorite teacher not only because of how sweet she was, but how much she cared about her students. Instead of listening to lectures the week before winter break, she created a spirit week just for us.

We had a movie day where we were able to wear our pajama's! Then there was a day we dressed up as our favorite cartoon character, I went as Velma, Finn was shaggy, and Rose was of course Daphne.

 Still, out of all the exciting days, today was my favorite.

The ornament was a variety of colors and just staring at it made me smile.

"Is that for your dad?" Ms. Johnson turns her warm smile to me, big blue eyes crinkled at the sides.

"No, it's for Ben," I murmur bashfully looking down at my ornament.

"Oh, who is Ben?"

"He's my dad's best friend, but he's like my brother."

"Well, that's very sweet of you Rey. I'm sure he's going to love it." She gently squeezes my shoulder before moving onto the next student.

_I could only hope he would love it._

* * *

 

_December 28th_

Rey,

I'm speechless.

When I opened the beautifully wrapped present I was not prepared to see what was inside.

Beautiful Rey. It is so beautiful. You're an amazing artist Rey, keep it up!

I hope your Christmas was amazing kid.

Thank you so much for the gift it is perfect.

Love Ben

 

_January 6th,_

Happy New Year Ben!

I'm so happy to hear you loved my gift!

Christmas was alright as always I wished you were there.

I hope you had a fun New Year's…did you kiss anyone?

Dad met somebody. I caught them kissing at midnight.

It was gross.

Love Rey

 

_January 15th,_

Happy New Year kid.

I did not kiss anyone. C'mon cooties? No thanks.

Is she a nice lady? Does she treat you right?

Sorry, you had to see such a horrible sight.

Tell them to keep it PG next time.

Love Ben

 

_February 3rd,_

I'm glad to hear someone shares my thoughts on kissing.

She's nice enough.

She sucks at making PB and J sandwiches though.

I told dad to keep it PG and he spit out his coffee.

I wish you could have seen it.

I miss you.

Love Rey

 

_February 15th_

Let me just tell you Valentine's day is crazy in this place.

I had to hide out in a closet. I'd rather spare you the details of such an event until your older.

Along with all the red velvet cake, you want I'll also make you as many PB and J's to make up for your traumatic experience with her abomination.

Yes, I wish I could have seen that too.

I miss you too kid.

Love Ben

_March 1st,_

Valentine's day is so pointless.

If two people love each other shouldn't they always buy each other gifts throughout the year?

I think I understand what you're talking about Ben. I heard noises coming from Dad's room…it was scary. I thought monsters didn't exist? Did you lie to me?

Also, are you and dad not talking?

Love Rey

 

_March 7th,_

You're right Rey. If two people love each other they should not just use one day out of the year to express it.

Monsters don't exist. I would never lie to you.

Please don't ever investigate what is going on in that room, alright kid?

Your dad and I talk from time to time on the phone, but he said if I wanted to keep in contact with you it would strictly be through letters. He probably didn't want me to know about his new love interest so let's keep that between us.

Love Ben

_March 16th,_

I promise not to investigate. I kind of don't want to know what is going on in there.

I asked him why we could only speak through letters. He said the sound of my voice would cause you to not finish rehab. That makes no sense!

I miss your voice. It always soothed me.

I have a lot of nightmares, Ben.

I don't want to lose you.

Love Rey

 

_April 3rd,_

I have to respect his wishes kid. I'm sorry.

Every day I feel better and it only brings me one step closer to seeing you again.

You will never lose me, Rey.

I wish I could rid all nightmares from your head…just know I'm always with you.

Love Ben

 

* * *

 

Age 11

"You really should lose a couple pounds," Lacy says while my dad is grilling burgers. She smoothes down her bottle-blonde locks and applies more suntan lotion to her already tan legs.

Looking down at my body I pinch the skin around my waist. I had always thought that I was slender.

"Why?" I ask.

"You're getting kind of chubby," she sneers placing sunglasses on. She lies down stopping all conversation between us.

When my dad offers me a burger I say I don't feel good and leave to my room. From that day on I pick at my breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I can see my body changing and I can't really tell if it is for better or for worse.

Lacy says I look good, but the kids at school call me cruel names and treat me like the dirt beneath their feet. 

"Here's a donut you anorexic fuck," the school bully stuffs a powdered donut in my mouth his fingers latched onto my hair as I flail trying to kick him where it hurts.

Other students are just laughing until a booming voice resonates through the cafeteria. Ms. Johnson stomps over to us. She was super tall for a woman and towered over Jake. He let me go immediately cowering away from her.

"To the principal's office now!" Jake scurried away and she turned to me placing her hands on my shoulders.

"Rey, come with me okay?"

I can only nod following her to her office. I sit down across from her.

"Rey, is something wrong?"

My bottom lip is quivering, I bite down on it to stop the movement, but it doesn't work. Tears stream down my face as I confess everything, "My dad's girlfriend told me I was getting chubby so I stopped eating. I lost so much weight, but I don't want to be fat! She would be so disappointed in me and my dad really likes her so I don't want to ruin things for him. It's all becoming too much. I'm so hungry all the time and kids pick on me. I just want Ben," I sob feeling like someone was holding my heart in a vice grip.

"Kid," a voice comes from the doorway.

"I tried calling your father, but he wasn't at home. Ben just got back into town and offered to come to pick you up," Ms. Johnson explains.

It had been a whole year since I've seen Ben and somehow he is taller, broader. His hair is to his shoulders, almost shaggy, and in need of a trim, but his dark orbs were still the ones I remembered. Kind and so warm.

"Ben," I whimper throwing myself out of the chair and into his arms. He lifts me so easily, my arms latch around his neck and my legs wound around his waist. He holds me so tightly to him and I feel like everything is right again in the world. 

"Do I need to sign anything?" Ben asks Ms. Johnson.

"No, just get her home."

"Thank you."

"I'd do anything for Rey. She is my favorite student, but don't tell anybody."

I smile as we leave the room, his strong arms keeping me close.

I knew it. I just knew I was her favorite student.

"Rey, you're tiny," he murmurs sounding sad.

"I've always been tiny."

"Not like this, what the hell is going on?"

We get to his truck, he opens the door setting me inside. I'm reluctant to let go, but force myself to do so. He shuts the door getting into the driver's seat but doesn't make any moves to leave just yet.

"Ben, I'm fine."

"Then why I did I hear some motherfucking punk ass kid stuffed a donut in your mouth," he growls hands clenching the wheel so tight I'm worried he's going to turn into the hulk and rip the truck apart.

"It was nothing," I lie twiddling with the end of my shirt just a tad surprised he used such language in front of me.

"Nothing?? I have half a mind to beat the shit out of that kid."

"You would get into a lot of trouble."

"I know that Rey, but it still doesn't mean I don't want to do it. That kid hurt my girl and that is not okay with me. Trust me I already talked to the principal about getting him expelled or at least suspended. The little prick is lucky I'm not your age. I would get away with killing him at least. Shit, I'm sorry kid I'm cursing like a sailor right now," he takes a deep breath, "I'm just upset. I hate knowing someone dared to hurt you."

"I'll be okay Ben. Just don't let this get to you too much."

"So, are you going to tell me the truth about what is going on with you or not?"

"I don't want this to get her in trouble. You can't get mad Ben."

"I make no promises."

I roll my eyes, "Fine. Lacy told me I was getting fat and I should lose a couple pounds. So I did. I got teased mercilessly at school. The end."

"You're serious?"

"Yes."

The truck roars to life and we're speeding home. Ben looks terrifying. His expression is one of barely constrained anger and I'm scared of what is about to happen.

My dad is home, Ben doesn't even wait up for me as he storms inside the unlocked front door. Dad was probably waiting for our arrival. Most likely worried sick.

"Ben, what the hell is going on?" Is all my dad gets to say before Ben's fist is flying into his jaw.

"Ben! No!" I scream rushing to stop him, but my dad telling me to stay away stops me in my tracks.

"You piece of shit! You can't even see what your whore of a girlfriend is doing to your daughter!?" Ben's fist rams into my dad's jaw once again.

"Ben, please just talk to me!" My dad yells blocking Ben's next blow.

"She's anorexic you dumbass! I thought I was going to break her by just holding her in my arms! Your girlfriend told her that she was getting fat and told her to drop some pounds! Now Rey is getting teased at school and some fuck had the audacity to touch our girl! Are you so blind!? I got better for you and you can't even take care of the only thing I care about in this fucking life!?"

Ben's hands wrap around my dad's throat and I can't take it anymore I'm socking Ben's back, "Please stop Ben! Please!"

He lets go huffing and puffing, his knuckles are cracked and bruised, blood seeps out of them dripping onto my dad's shirt. My dad has a bloody nose and his jaw looks swollen already. Ben stands to his feet, moving to slump down into a chair hanging his head in his bloody palms.

I run to get an ice pack and towel hurrying back to my dad I press the pack against his jaw. I wipe the blood away from his mouth and press it against his bloody nose.

"Is it true Rey?" My dad weakly mutters.

Tears slip down my cheeks, "Yes."

He closes his eyes, sobs begin to wrack his body.

All three of us sit in that kitchen sobbing.

My heart is breaking.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XOXOXO


	3. Tough Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates for everybody!!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has read my story so far. It is appreciated!!
> 
> Much love <3

~~ ~~

Age 15

"Rey, are you listening?"

I turn my head to see Finn, his head is tilted to the side as his brown eyes flit over my face trying to figure out what's wrong.

"Sorry Finn, but isn't that cloud so pretty," I exclaim pointing at the sky. It has a strange shape to it, but it's so unique from most clouds.

"Yeah, it really is pretty," Finn says in awe and we both lay there watching the clouds drift by.

Finn is what I would call a nice guy. If I was going to like a guy then it would definitely be him. He had these big brown eyes that I got lost in sometimes, his skin was smooth, and such a beautiful shade that I found myself reaching towards him. He startles when my fingertips land on his forearm. He snaps his head so fast that I hear a crack. Now he's looking at me unsure of what is going on.

Yet, he allows me to run circles along his skin as we wait for our parents to pick us up. We both let our eyes drift close enjoying the closeness of one another.

"Rey," Ben's husky voice makes both of us jump.

 Our eyes dart up to see Ben towering before us. Grease stains marred his pale face, his coverall tied around his waist revealing all his hard muscle. More stains paint his skin, his white tank-top is covered in grime, but that's not what catches my attention most. It's the fact that Ben's sculpted chest and bulging biceps have made me wonder how they would feel underneath my fingers. When the curiosity came about to do such a thing- I couldn't be sure, but the thought still lingered no matter how hard I tried to snuff it.

Needless to say, Ben was not allowed to live with my dad and I after their fight. Ben found a job working for a guy called Chewie down at his mechanic shop. Chewie taught him everything he needed to know and didn't mind when I hung around.

 Ben and my dad's relationship was strained for a while. When my dad tried to say I couldn't see Ben anymore I refused, and that's how I ended up at the shop every day after school. The feud lasted about a year before they resolved their issues.

These days I'm allowed to hang out with Ben whenever I want. Which is why he's standing before us right now instead of my father.

" Ben!" I jump to my feet wiping the dirt off of my skirt and stockings, "I totally forgot you were picking me up today."

"I can see," he drawled, shoving his large hands into his coverall pockets, "You going to introduce me to your little friend kid?"

Finn gulps audibly blinking up at Ben's towering form in front of him, on wobbly legs he stands, and extends his hand towards Ben, "I'm Finn sir," he stammers.

Ben's dark gaze flicks to the proffered hand, he stares at it for what feels like forever before he places his hand in Finn's. I watch as Finn's eyes go wide with the way Ben's hand dwarfs his own. Finn is in a hurry to put his arm back to his side once the handshake is over.

"Nice to meet you."

"You too sir."

Ben laughs, "It's Ben, you make me feel old when you call me sir."

"I'm sorry!" Finn shouts covering his mouth at the sudden outburst.

"Relax, I'm not mad about your cute little flirting, but just know if you want to date Rey you better treat her right. I won't let my favorite girl date a loser."

Finn nods and I die of humiliation tugging on Ben's wrist to get him to the car.

"Bye Finn!" I holler and Ben laughs the whole way over to his truck.

"Alright kid, you're going to tear my arm out of the socket."

I let go of him openly glaring at him, "You embarrass me."

"Oh c'mon kid, I was only playing around."

We both get into his truck shutting the doors in unison. Crossing my arms over my chest I try not to pout, but I hate that he would really say that to Finn. All we were doing was laying there and I was just touching his forearm.

We drive in silence until we are outside of his small one-story house. It was not very spacious on the inside and I don't know how Ben maneuvered in such a tiny house with how massive he is. Setting my backpack on the couch, I turn the television on.

"I have to make a quick phone call. I'll be back in just a minute alright kid?"

I ignore him and he lets out a sigh before his heavy footfalls move down the short hallway. About twenty minutes later Ben enters the room, "I just got off the phone with your dad. I guess him and Jasmine are going out tonight. He wants to know if you're okay with staying here for the night with it being a Friday and all."

"Like spend the night?" I mutter trying to act indifferent, but the thought of spending the night here intrigues me.

"Yeah, kid. I'll order us a pizza and that cheesy bread you love. We can watch a movie too."

"Fine."

His bottom lip purses, moseying over to me he lowers to his knees before me giving me those puppy dog eyes. I roll my own at him.

"C'mon kid, don't be mad at me."

"If you get me two orders of cheesy bread than perhaps I can forgive your insolence."

His lips curl into a wide smile, "Deal."

Ben ventures off to the kitchen to order the pizza while I pick out a movie. ‘The Breakfast Club' catches my eyes. I'm surprised that it's even a part of his collection. I had heard a lot of things about this movie from my friend Janice. She said it was amazing, but she had to watch it on the down low because it was rated R. My curiosity was getting the best of me so I had to at least give it a shot. When Ben entered the living room I held up the movie.

His brows knitted together, "The Breakfast Club? Really? That's what you want to watch kid?"

"Yes."

"Have you've seen it before?" He crosses his thick forearms over his chest.

"Well, not exactly," I murmur playing with a lock of my hair curling it around my finger.

He sighs moving closer to me, "I'm only going to let you see this movie because I embarrassed you today, but you honestly can't tell your dad that I let you watch this."

"I understand! Thanks, Ben!"

I set the movie up, excited beyond belief to be watching an R-rated movie that I don't even notice the doorbell ringing or Ben entering with the pizza in hand.

"Come grab some grub." His deep voice rumbles as he places a couple slices on his own plate, handing me a plate as I come up beside him. I dive into the cheesy bread elated to see he bought marinara sauce as well.

We sit on the couch, he drags the coffee table closer to us so we can set our food and soda down. He presses play on the remote and I am mesmerized from start to finish.

I blush so hard when Bender slips his head between Claire's thighs, but Ben just acts nonchalant with his long arms spread out on the top of the couch. When her thighs clamp down around his head, I feel warm in places I don't really understand. Shifting nervously from side to side I glance once again at Ben whose dark eyes glance over to mine. He quirks a dark brow, "You okay kid?"

"Of course I am? Why wouldn't I be?" My voice cracks and I sound so out of sorts that my face flames.

"Should we stop watching it?"

I shake my head vigorously from side to side, "No."

The movie continues, I blush even harder when Claire kisses Bender's neck in the supply closet. I can't help but look at Ben's neck, the vein in his neck throbs a steady tempo. His skin is pale and moles dance along certain areas of his neck. I wonder what it would feel like to press my lips against it, would he be warm, soft?

The movie ends, Ben stands to stretch moving to turn it off.

"I need to get some sleep kid. I still have work tomorrow. I'll drop you off at home before that though."

"Yeah, I'm tired," I murmur. He leads me to the room across from him.

"Hopefully this will do for now."

"Thanks, Ben. Goodnight."

He ruffles my hair and I bat his hand away to which he just chuckles.

"Goodnight kid."

Sleep does not come easy. I toss and turn in my bed for hours before I decide to get a glass of water. Tiptoeing down the hall I manage to make it into the kitchen and pour myself some water. The water soothes my parched throat. I breathe a sigh of relief placing the glass gently into the sink before tiptoeing back to my room, but a noise coming from Ben's room stops me.

My feet move me towards his door, with subtle movements I press my ear to the door hearing grunts. It worries me, I'm scared he's having a horrible nightmare and no one is there to wake him. I push inside without thinking, turn the light on, and Ben lets out a startled yelp.

"Ben are you okay?" My words tumble over one another in their hurry to be said. Ben straightens, sweat mats his hair to his forehead, small pants are leaving his parted lips, and his broad chest rises and falls hard. I note there's a sheen of sweat on his chest, tilting my head in confusion.

"Rey, what the hell? You scared the life out of me!"

"I heard noises and I was worried you were having a nightmare."

He chuckles, but it's devoid of humor which only suffices to confuse me more.

"Jesus Christ," he mutters pulling his hands out from underneath the covers shoving his fingers through his hair frustratedly, "I'm fine Rey."

I wander closer to him, he goes rigid as I do so, "Are you sure Ben? You're rather flush?"

I smooth his damp bangs to the side, feeling him tremble beneath my fingertips, "Rey, you really should knock before entering someone's room."

"I thought you were asleep," I press the palm of my hand against his forehead, "You're burning up Ben. I think you have a fever."

"I don't have a fucking fever," he snarls causing me to jolt back. He shakes his head, "I'm sorry Rey. I’m just shaken up from your abrupt entrance."

"What were you doing Ben? I don't understand why you're so sweaty?"

"Rey, please just go back to bed."

"I can't sleep."

"Then try."

"I already did."

He curses under his breath, "What do you want me to do about it?"

"Can I just sleep in here? With you?"

"Rey," he says in a tone that almost sounds like a warning.

"What are you so uptight about? Brothers and sisters sleep in the same bed all the time."

That comment seems to make him relent, "Fine."

Shouting a victory in my head I jump into bed beside him pulling the covers up to my neck, they smell like cinnamon and I rejoice in the fact that his scent surrounds me. I would be able to fall asleep in no time. Closing my eyes I finally fall into dreamland.

A large body is pressed up against my back and it feels amazing. Instinctively I move closer to it, shimmying my hips as a warm palm splays out on my belly. A soft groan escapes from behind me and my eyes snap open realizing it is Ben lying against me. His breath warms the back of my neck. I snap my gaze to where his hand is pushed under my sleep shirt, it has bunched up underneath my breasts, and the tips of his fingers lie daringly close to the underside of them.

My ass is pressed up against something hard and if he knew we were in this position it would kill him. If I try to move I know it will most likely wake him up. If I lie here like a statue he will still be humiliated. I've found myself in a lose-lose situation and hear him stir behind him. Closing my eyes I try to steady my breathing. I guess pretending like I'm asleep is my only option right about now.

"What the fuck?" Ben sleepily murmurs, rolling his hips against my ass. I bite down the whimper.

Suddenly he jolts away from me, his feet hit the floor with a thud that makes me start. Trying to act normal I stretch rolling over to see him in nothing but basketball shorts.

"Ben," I yawn and rub the sleep out of my eyes for added effect.

"Get ready to go." Is all he says and leaves to the bathroom.

Darting to my room I quickly change and meet up with Ben in the kitchen. He's staring off into space when I enter.

"I'm ready."

Dark eyes meet mine, he seems distraught, "Rey, be honest with me. Were you awake?"

"Ben," I laugh rolling my eyes.

"Just tell me the truth."

I don't want to lie so I nod weakly. He exhales a shaky breath running a hand over his face.

"Damn it, Rey. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize, Ben, it was just an accident."

He scoffs, "Yeah, it was a major accident, Rey."

"Seriously Ben, nothing happened."

"And if it did?" He snarls but rears back surprised at his vehement tone. He runs his fingers over the stubble on his chin, "I'm really sorry for what I did. I wasn't thinking straight."

"Ben, let's just put it behind us. I don't want things to be weird between us."

The conversation ends, I'm dropped off at home, and Ben leaves to work.

Yet, I'm not sure I can put what happened behind me.

Some part of me wanted to know what happened next.

 _It_ confused me.

 _Scared_ me.

 _But_ also excited me.

* * *

 

"Rey, will you go to the dance with me?" Finn asks shifting from side to side while he holds out a single rose towards me.

"You want to go to the dance with me?"

I shouldn't be surprised. It was obvious Finn had a bit of a crush on me and somewhere in my heart I knew I had a crush on him too, but my mind continued to drift towards Ben, and that was hard enough to understand.

"Of course I do Rey. Y-You're beautiful."

The compliment makes me smile and I figure there is no harm in going to the dance with him so I agree. He pulls me into a hug and places a chaste kiss on my cheek. It's warm, but it doesn't spark anything in me.

My dad surprisingly is happy that I'm going to attend the dance and helps me get a dress, but I notice that Ben seems upset about the whole ordeal. Ben just smiles when Finn picks me up, but it doesn't meet his eyes. I notice a beer is in his hand and it scares me that he's going to go back to the way he was before.

Finn's mom drives us to the dance dropping us off and tells us to have fun. Finn holds my hand as we walk inside. There's a disco ball and I stifle a laugh behind my hand at how cheesy it is.

Finn offers to get me a drink and I nod standing off to the side like a wallflower watching students dance uncoordinated. Rose is dressed like a queen, tiara and all. She talked to me in passing occasionally, but I knew I was right about her ditching me for what she considered the popular crowd. I had seen too many movies to know that the popular crowd was the ones who ended up sixteen and pregnant. So, I wasn't too put out with her not wanting to be friends anymore.

Finn hands me some punch which I take with a quick thanks. We sway side by side until I decide to set my drink down and pull him onto the dance floor. Both of us laugh as we try to get the hang of dancing, but know we must look like fools.

The night comes to an end, I'm dropped off at home at around 8, and see that Ben's truck is still parked outside. I find Ben lounging on the couch, beer in hand as he watches some car show with bored eyes.

"Hey Ben, where's my dad?"

"He decided to go out to dinner. Expected you to be back late, so here I am." He spreads his arms, sarcasm laced in his tone. It's almost as if he doesn't want to be around me right now.

"Well, I'm sorry if I ruined your plans," I snap not caring much for his attitude. I kick my converse off and tug my hair out of its confinement.

"That is one ugly dress kid."

I scowl at him wanting to slap him across his smug face, but instead, I just flip him the middle finger delighting in the way his eyes flash with anger.

He's on his feet towering over me, "Take that back kid."

"You just called my dress ugly and you don't think you earned a middle finger? You have got to be kidding me, Ben." I push past him, but he wraps his hand around my wrist tugging me back towards him.

Glowering up at him I try to tug my arm out of his tight grasp.

"The dress _is_ ugly, you have to at least admit that."

My dress wasn't the most flattering, but my dad chose it for me, and who was I to deny what he wanted. It was purple and glittery. It made me look a lot younger than fifteen, but I figured that was my dad's plan all along. Still, Ben didn't have to be a total asshole about it.

"I like it."

"Like hell you do."

He chugs more of his beer.

"Are you even supposed to be drinking? Weren't you an alcoholic?"

He grunts, "Low blow darling."

"I'm just stating the truth."

"Just like I was with that thing you call a dress."

"Whatever Ben. I'm not going to keep having this pointless argument with you."

I move to my room, closing the door to finally peel my dress off. Ben bursting through startles me, he realizes his mistake when he sees me in nothing but white cotton panties and a sports bra.

"Shit, I'm sorry Rey." He shields his eyes.

"Get out you pervert!!"

He snaps his eyes to mine, pissed off, "As if I would feel anything at seeing your body. You're a child, Rey."

I plant my hands on my hips, "Do I look like a child to you?" I challenge, puffing my chest out where my breasts have grown significantly in the past years.

Why I'm even asking Ben this question is beyond me, but he already knows how much I hate when someone thinks of me as nothing more than just a child. I've been a lot wiser than my age for a long time now.

"Yes," he quips without hesitation.

 "I'm not a child," I stomp up to him jabbing my finger into his chest. His jaw clenches, dark eyes full of barely restrained rage, and I watch the muscles in his shoulders go taut with how tense he's become. The tank-top he wears showcases all his muscle and I feel myself drawing closer to him like a moth to the flame. My heart is racing like a horse around the track, the hairs on my arms have stood to attention, and my breath skips. All my wanting to fight him escapes my body as I take him in.

His ebony hair sails past his nape and I want to feel if it's as soft as I dreamt it to be. He lets out a low sound, it almost resembles a growl.

Suddenly he's stumbling backward out of my room, he stares at me incredulously before he disappears back into the living room. Shutting my door I slam my back up against it, placing a hand on my thundering heart.

_Why did I just feel like that?_

Whenever I was around Ben it felt like we were just brother and sister. We argued, teased each other relentlessly, watched movies together, and wrote letters to each other in our spare time even though we were always around each other these days. I guess we both hadn't been able to give that part of our lives where letters were our only form of communication up. It was fun and silly to still do it. So we did.

Yet, that feeling right now did not feel like sibling love. That feeling raged like an inferno heating my blood to the point I felt the only thing that would subdue the heat would be to jump into an ice cold pool. His eyes had somehow darkened further and then he was bolting away.

Whatever happened between us…I had to make sure it didn't happen again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XOXO


	4. You Don't Deserve To Be Lonely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the amazing comments on this so far! All of you are so amazing <333
> 
> So Much Love <3333

Age 16

Ben has been missing for a couple days, but it's nothing unusual. He fell back into drinking and spent a few nights in jail a week after our stare off where he darted away from me as if he had been burned.

When my dad picked me up Ben remained stoic and quiet in the corner not meeting my gaze. I didn't understand what was going on so I decided to not look into it. If he wanted to act weird then I was just going to have to let him get over it on his own.

Finding out he spent time in jail really got to me. He had gone to a bar, picked a fight, went to the hospital for fifty stitches to his face, and chest then spent the next three nights in the county jail until my dad bailed him out.

It was a ghastly scar that started at his right eyebrow, sliced through his cheek and jaw ending at his right pec. His eye was black and blue. Dark eyes full of torment as he gazed at me.

After that our relationship became strained. We hardly talked anymore. I wound up kissing Finn behind the bleachers, but Ben's face haunted my thoughts and I ended up running away from a miserable looking Finn.

I was tired of seeing Ben in my head and hated the way my body would erupt in heat whenever his bulging muscles were revealed to my eyes. Ben drank and worked out according to what my father said.

Ben was also refusing to go back to rehab. He didn't think he had a problem, but I knew he understood that was just a lie. It pained me that I was no longer worth staying sober for. I guess once I aged he thought it didn't matter how he behaved anymore.

Ben was a thirty-four-year-old man, but sometimes he acted like a man in his early twenties. He just wanted to get wasted and party to his heart's content.

It made me sick to think of him getting hurt or worse...I didn't want him to end up dead in some ditch cold and alone.

Staring out the classroom window I hoped that he was okay...wherever he may be.

* * *

 

"Shhh," Janice giggles as she holds onto Poe Dameron's hand. He smiles back at me as we sneak into the park.

Of course, we shouldn't be here at this hour, but when Janice and Poe invited Finn and me to go have some fun we decided there couldn't be any harm in doing so.

We all climb up from different sides of the play structure conjugating into a circle. Poe pulls out a pipe of some sort, opens a bag, and the smell makes my nose crinkle. He stuffs some in the pipe and hands it to Janice. She blows out a breath before lighting the part with the green stuff. Inhaling and then exhaling a cloud of smoke.

She coughs, passing it to Poe who does the same, and then it's being placed in my hands. The glass is a swirl of purple and red, it makes me smile as I look at it. Who would have thought such a contraption could be so pretty.

"What is this?" I ask inspecting the now burnt material inside.

"Weed," Poe drawls lazily.

My brows shoot up on my forehead, "I can't do this."

"Oh c'mon. Live a little Rey."

I cast a look at Finn. He simply nods his head and that's how I end up smoking weed for the first time.

It is a strange sensation, but I find myself enjoying it more and more as time passes on. We are all giggling our asses off, playing on the swings, and slides like we were children again.

Suddenly, a flashlight is being pointed at us. We freeze until Poe is yelling to run. So I do. My legs pump hard as I run, my lungs feel like they are going to explode, but I don't stop until I'm in front of Ben's house which is only a mile from the park. His truck is outside. I heave a sigh of relief and knock.

The door opens shortly, Ben stands before me in nothing but tattered jeans that hang low on his hips. Blushing I drag my gaze up to him. Even in my state of mind, I can tell he's buzzed. His eyes are glossy and his cheeks have slightly tinted a shade of red.

"What are you doing here, kid? It's already nine. Your dad is probably worried about you."

Biting my lip, I shake my head, "He thinks I'm spending the night at Janice's, but we had a little incident at the park which required me to run for my life."

Dark brows knit together, "What exactly were you running from?"

"A security guard," I murmur shuffling from side to side under his stern gaze.

 "And why exactly would you need to flee from a security guard?"

"I may or may not have smoked weed."

"Jesus Christ, kid," he snaps pulling me inside.

"I'm sorry Ben. I just wanted to have fun and it is sort of exciting. It makes me feel really good."

"Yeah, that's the point kid. It's supposed to make you feel good, but you're still too young to be doing that shit."

"Whatever Ben, it isn't like you're making the wisest choices either."

He bares his teeth at me, my body rears back at his scorching glare, "Yes, I may be fucking up but I don't need your smart ass comments."

My face heats in embarrassment at him scolding me. In reality, I did deserve that snide comment, but it still doesn't make me feel any less humiliated.

Ben moves into the kitchen grabbing himself another beer.

"So are you still high kid?"

"I'm really fucking high Ben," I giggle finally not feeling so uptight now that his soothing tone has returned.

He shakes his head and takes a pull from the bottle. I'm transfixed by the way his Adam's apple bobs with the motion. His neck is corded, trap muscles straining the straps of his tank top. At any moment they look like they will rip and reveal his smooth, sculpted chest that I had only seen a couple times before.

"Your dad would be so pissed if he saw you like this."

"Well, what he doesn't know won't hurt him right?" My voice is sickly sweet and I revel in the way his jaw tightens before he's moving past me towards the living room.

"Pick out a movie kid. I guess you can stay here for the night."

Smiling behind my hand I quickly pick out Pulp Fiction for us and he doesn't say anything about my selection. I _am_ almost seventeen anyways. I'll be able to go see rated r movies all on my own soon enough.

We lounge side by side and every once in a while a scene in the movie makes Ben laugh. It's deep and hearty. It reminds me of the days when he would laugh all the time. I bask in the comfort that maybe the Ben I know isn't completely gone to drink.

With unsure movements, I shift closer to him. If he notices he doesn't say anything. He just continues to drink his beer and watch the movie. Boldly I lay my head on his shoulder feeling him tense slightly before he relaxes. He pats my thigh a couple times in a friendly gesture.

"You alright?"

"I've missed you, Ben. We hardly talk anymore."

His voice is coated in sadness when he talks, "I just thought it would be for the best if you took some time apart from me. You have to live your life without it revolving around my issues."

"I want to help you, Ben. I want to be here for you. I told you that I would never give up on you and I still mean it. I know I'm getting older...I know I'm not a little girl anymore, but does that mean you and I can't be friends because of that fact? I just don't understand."

A shaky breath escapes him, "I'm happy that you want to be here for me. I really am, but you're right Rey you are not a little girl anymore and that means you're allowed to go have fun with friends without worrying about me. I'm old kid. You should spend more time with people your age."

I scoff at him calling himself old, "I didn't know thirty-four was considered old in this day and age."

He casts his dark eyes over to me, "I'm a lot older than you Rey, that's for sure."

"It didn't matter before. We used to do all kinds of things together. Play hide and seek, bake cookies together, the list goes on and on, so what has changed Ben?"

His palm drags across his face, "Rey, things _do_ change. You'd rather go smoke then play hide and seek these days. You don't play with dolls anymore and it's all understandable. You're sixteen. You're growing up and I can't keep up anymore. It's why you really need to start focusing on hanging out with people your age. I just want you to be careful. If you ever need me I'll always be here. You'll always be my favorite girl."

Tears glide down my cheeks and without thinking I'm crawling into his lap wrapping my arms around his neck. My thighs bracket his own and I hold him as close as I possibly can.

"Please don't try to get rid of me Ben," I sob, "I don't want to hang out with people my age. I want to be around you."

"K-Kid please, it's for the best." His hands remain at his sides and it makes me cry even harder. I press kisses on his temple, over his cheek, and along his jaw.

"I love you Ben, please don't make me stay away from you."

My lips press against the throbbing vein in his neck; I feel the growl rumble in his chest before it escapes his mouth.

"Rey, would you stop," he snaps fingers now digging into my hips.

"Tell me you won't leave me!"

"For fuck's sake, Rey can't you see this is all for the best!"

I have his jaw in a vice grip, his pupils are dilating as we both breathe hard, "How can this be for the best Ben? I have known you my whole life and now you're demanding me to stay away? I don't understand!"

"You're not a little girl anymore Rey! You're becoming a woman! I-I can't do this anymore! I can't be your friend!" He lifts me off of him with ease dropping me on the couch standing up to his towering height.

"You can't do this to me!" I shout chasing after him. He snatches a beer out of the fridge, twists the cap off, and chugs almost half the bottle before he needs to breathe.

"You are so fucking naïve!" He looks like a wild animal right now, his eyes rival the night sky, nostrils flare, and I can see his stomach tensing as he tries to catch his breath as if he just ran a marathon.

"I don't understand Ben!" I'm standing in front of him begging for him to just tell me what he means.

"Rey, you have to stay away from me. I'm sorry."

My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach, tears blur my vision, and it feels like I'm suffocating unable to take a deep breath in.

"Fine," I whisper, "Have it your way, Ben."

I'm fleeing from his house before he can stop me. I hear him calling after me, but I refuse to stop. Not even sure where I'm going to go, but at the moment I don't even care.

Ben Solo just smashed my heart into a billion pieces and I still don’t understand why.

Maybe I never would.

* * *

 

 "That's it, Rey, nice and steady," My dad says while I try to keep calm in the driver's seat. We're just going around the block, but I was still terrified because in about a week I had to take my driver's test.

The thought of being able to drive on my own should thrill me and yet I'm mostly nervous not to have my dad in the car anymore. He reassures me that I'm going to do great and I almost believe him.

When the day does arrive I feel like I'm going to puke as I anxiously wait in the sitting room to be called upon.

"Rey?"

A voice calls and my dad pats my back giving me thumbs up.

With wobbly legs, I enter my dad's car along with the instructor. I mess up a couple times, but all in all, I surpass with flying colors. My dad twirls me around like he used to when I was just a little girl. He kisses my temple, "I'm so proud of you, Rey."

"Thanks, dad," I murmur against his shoulder.

"Let's go celebrate, I'll call Jasmine."

I nod giving him my best smile letting it fall when he walks away.

It's not that I didn't like her. She was kind, a bit on the shy side, and she was always saying nice things to me. It's more that I just wanted to hang out with my dad without her for once.   

He lets me drive to the restaurant, kissing Jasmine before she hugs me, and congratulates me placing a card in my hands when we pull away. She winks at me and we usher inside to be seated.

She gave me a gift-card to hot-topic and I thank her tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. At least she had noticed my style was slightly changing. My dad remained oblivious.

We order our food, sitting in content silence until my dad breaks it.

"Rey, I know this isn't the best time to bring this up, but I feel like no time is right to say what I'm about to say," my dad begins, fidgeting with the fork next to his plate. Jasmine lays her palm on the back of his hand giving it a gentle squeeze of comfort; he smiles appreciatively at her and continues, "Ben and I have decided to end our friendship."

My heart drops to the pit of my stomach, my breath hitches, and I immediately clutched my thighs so hard that I'm sure to leave bruises.

"What?" I breathe, but it's harsh and there are pins and needles in my throat.

"I know how much you care about him, Rey. He's been in your life since you were born and he’s practically your family, but he's an alcoholic and he still refuses treatment. I can't be his friend because he just keeps pushing me away. I can't be there picking him up at two am when he's dead drunk or bailing him out of jail. He's a grown man and he can make his own choices. If he decides to seek help then maybe we can think about mending the relationship but for now, he's dangerous Rey and I don't want you around him."

"You can't just give up on him. He needs us," I whisper, an unbelievable weight is tugging on my heartstrings threatening to snap them in half.

My dad shakes his head, a somber expression has taken captive of his face, "No, Rey, Ben is impulsive and all he cares about is drinking now. I do not trust him around you anymore."

"You think he would actually hurt me??" I shout catching the eyes of some of the other restaurant goers.

"Ben has always been fond of you Rey."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I spat not caring that I'm causing a scene.

"I'm scared that he's going to do something he regrets," my father stated matter-of-factly.

"He would never," I say incredulously stumbling to my feet.

"You don't know that Rey."

"Ben has never touched me inappropriately, not once!"

My dad hangs his head in his hands; Jasmine strokes his back staring at me with sad eyes.

"Promise me you'll stay away," he demands in the way that he knows always makes me act out more. He already knows he can't stop me from seeing Ben, but Ben has already told me to stay away and I've listened. It's been weeks since I saw him last. My father doesn't need to know that though.

"He's my best friend."

"Sit and finish eating," he mutters exasperation heavy on his shoulders.

We eat in silence.

The only thought raging in my head is the fact that my dad honestly believes Ben would ever hurt me.

Ben would _never_ do such a thing.

* * *

 

"If you see this man can you call me?" I hand the picture to the bartender. She quirks a brow at me.

"You know you're not even supposed to be in here toots?" Her honey-brown eyes run along Ben's picture.

"Yes, but he's my friend and I don't want him to get hurt."

Her face softens; she's an older woman and looks to be standing on something just so she's at the height of the bar, "Okay honey. I'll call you if he gets too rowdy."

"Thank you," I murmur shyly and wave goodbye.

 My dad bought me a Hyundai Accent, it's the perfect first car, and really easy to maneuver. A lot smoother than my dad's expedition. Hopping inside I continue my journey to ensure that Ben doesn't wind up dead.

 He may not want to see me and he might not be friends with my dad anymore, but I was not going to give up on him.

_I never would._

After I'm done passing out my number to all the bars in the area I head over to Finn's house. Janice and Poe are already there when I arrive. They pile into my car and we find a secluded spot to light up.

"Damn that stuff is potent," Finn coughs sputtering a little bit.

"This is the top shelf stuff," Poe explains taking a puff off the joint making little rings as he exhales.

Janice giggles pressing kisses to his neck with no shame at all.

Inhaling the smoke I breathe it out on a shaky exhale, it makes my toes tingle, and my body is weightless. I'm positive I could float away right about now.

We're all on cloud 9 laughing at nothing. Finn is muttering nonsense about the trees and Poe and Janice have decided to swap spit in the backseat. My thoughts stray to Ben and eyes drift closed.

He was so tall, such a massive force that was so intimidating, but I knew him all too well. I knew Ben Solo was nothing but a gentle giant. A little too cocky for his own good at times yet kind and so warm. Butterflies swarmed in my belly thinking about the way his broad shoulders were thick with muscle. Biceps sturdy, veins stood out against his pale skin that led to large hands, thick, and long fingers that made my body span with heat. Dark eyes drilling into mine, full lips that begged to be kissed, ebony locks fanning around his jaw daring me to touch the strands, and find out just how soft they were.

 I started awake noting that Finn was passed out in the passenger seat and Janice and Poe were still going at it. Shaking my head I started the car up to drop them back off at home. I needed to sleep and hopefully forget all about Ben Solo.

* * *

 

 

The blaring of my phone jolts me out of my slumber. I've broken out into cold sweats, my clothes stuck to my skin uncomfortably. My phone continues to ring; I reach for it on the side table checking to see the number, it is from an unknown caller.

"Hello?" I answer it my palms are slick with nerves.

It's loud behind the voice that begins to talk, "Hey sugar, it's Maz. Your friend looks like he needs someone to make sure he gets home safe."

 She tells me the location due to me not knowing exactly which bar it is. Thanking her I fly out of bed throwing my clothes off to pull on jeans and a t-shirt. Slipping my converse on I grab my keys tiptoeing out of my room and outside. I can only hope my dad doesn't hear my car starting up.

Driving the speed limit and obeying all traffics I end up at the bar about fifteen minutes later. There is no one guarding the outside so I don't hesitate to enter.

 It's loud, smells like beer and sweat, and I suddenly want to run back out the door. However, I gather my courage moving towards the bar and scan the crowd. There are a lot of older men that congregate at a table watching football. Some scantily clad women are shooting pool with guys that leer at them. It makes me shiver and I shift my gaze to see if I can see Ben anywhere.

Finally, I find him at the bar, his trench coat hugs the wide expanse of his back, ebony locks curl around the collar, and he stares numbly at the glass before him.

"Ben?"

He looks like he's been electrocuted, jumping in his seat causing the liquor in his glass to spill over the side. His eyes are wild as they meet my own. It's as if he's seen a ghost his face pales which is a feat in itself. It makes the scar that bisects the left side of his face more prominent.

"Rey," he stammers, still in shock, "What are you doing here?" He straightens in his seat eyes darting over the crowd before returning to my face, worry evident in them, "You shouldn't be here Rey."

"Let me take you home." My voice shakes as I reach out to rest my palm on the back of his hand.

He seems so tired, dark shadows are under his eyes. Sighing he uses the bar to help him stand to his feet, taking a step he stumbles a little bit and laughs, but it is devoid of warmth.

"Why are you here?" He asks again managing to right himself, but still walks on unstable feet.

"Maz called me."

"Who the hell is that?" We exit the bar, crisp air hits my face, and I shiver wishing I had thought to grab a jacket.

"She's the bartender. I handed my phone number out to all the bars and asked them to keep an eye on you."

"You did what?" He barks and I school my features so he won't see the chaos that is stirring in my head.

"My dad may have given up on you, but I'm never going to do that. You're my best friend Ben."

He looks in awe of me frozen in place before my car, "Why do you care so much about me kid? I've done nothing to deserve this," he waves his hand in the air, "Loyalty or whatever it is."

My neck cranes back so I'm able to maintain eye contact with him, an emotion I can't describe flickers in his midnight orbs that have always captivated me for some damn reason. For someone with such dark eyes there was so much light in them, so raw, but what was going through his head was still so unattainable. I just wanted to know for once in my life what he was thinking then I could be content and move on from such curiosity.

"Ben, you've always been there for me. You picked me up every time I hurt myself and tended to my scabbed elbows and cut up knees. You didn't mind sitting at every single tea party I hosted. You made sure I had piñatas at my birthday parties and baked for hours to make me dozens of red velvet cupcakes. You are the one constant thing in my life and now it is my turn to be there for you Ben. Isn't that what friends do for each other?"

"Kid," his voice cracks, "You really are an extraordinary young woman."

Smirking I roll my eyes, "I already know that Ben. Now let's get you home."

He nods getting into the car with me, "You sure you know how to drive this thing?"

"Of course I do," I mumbled cursing at him under my breath. He chuckled and before I knew it he was softly snoring.

How the hell was I going to lug his massive form inside?

I guess I'd just have to find out when I got to his place.

 _The things you do for the ones you love_ I sigh.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XOXO


	5. Because The Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Take me now, baby, here as I am  
> Pull me close, try and understand  
> Desire is hunger is the fire I breathe  
> Love is a banquet on which we feed  
> Come on now try and understand  
> The way I feel when I'm in your hands..."  
> -Patti Smith <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the short chapter, but hope you all enjoy it all the same!  
> It gets a little smutty in this chapter so please be warned it is underage!
> 
> Anyways thank you to all my amazing readers! You are all so fantastic <3
> 
> Much love <3

 

"Ben, wake up," I exclaim shaking him but his eyes remain closed. It's useless to keep trying so I give up the fight and sink down into my seat letting out a sigh. He stirs in his sleep drawing my attention to him.

I've never really been able to stare at him like this. He finally seems at peace, brows no longer furrowed, and dark eyes not showing me just how truly broken and tormented he really was. I didn't want for him to keep suffering. I wasn't even sure what Ben was upset about anymore. He couldn't still be harboring feelings for the past about his ex.

Ben had told me that he was content with the life he lived now, but yet he still didn't remain sober. Something set him off.

My eyes wander over the jagged scar, my heart clenches at the thought of how painful it must have been. He never did explain how it happened during the fight, my dad told me to leave it be, and Ben refused to tell me. Of course I was upset they thought I couldn't handle the truth, but in reality, I think Ben was disappointed in himself.

As much as I hated to admit there _was_ a part of me that was saying to just let Ben rot. He had promised me that he would get better and he broke it. It still pains me that he won't get sober for at least me. Still, the other part of me tells me to stay. He needs me and to be honest I need him. I will stop at nothing to help him conquer his demons.

He jolts awake, gripping the door handle-wild eyes snap to mine, "Kid," he mutters, and his whole body visibly relaxes. Trembling fingers run through his raven hair and he lets out a deep exhale.

"How long was I out?" He murmurs sleepily.

"Only about thirty minutes," I say into the small space, both of us craning our necks to the side to maintain eye contact. His ebony eyes make me weak. There's all that torment rushing back in as he scans my face, brows knitting together, and he's worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.

"You're always looking out for me kid," he laughs, but there is a nervous flutter to it.

"As I've said a hundred times before, we're best friends. We have to be there for each other even through the difficult times."

"Damn it, Rey, you know we can't be friends right now."

Rolling my eyes I step out of the car going around and opening his door, "Get out Ben."

He pins me with a scowl before stretching one leg out of the car, he gets his towering form out only to fall forward onto the concrete barely catching himself with his hands. A low growl escapes him as he staggers to his feet, trying to balance himself, but the task proves to be not as easy as he thought it would be.

He's cursing up a storm under his breath as he stumbles up his porch steps, yanking his keys out of his jeans pockets, and fumbling with the key for a moment until he finally gets it into the keyhole.

"Finally," I tease, "I thought I was going to be here all night laughing at your misery."

He peers at me over his broad shoulder, "Smartass," he quips and pushes the door open letting me go in first. Somehow he manages to shut it behind him and lock it.

"You need to drink water."

"I don't need a child telling me what to do."

He tears his coat off with no grace whatsoever, tossing it on the side of the couch. Stomping up behind him I shove him as hard as I can. He hardly budges, still, the action catches his attention-he towers before me, jaw clenching as he waits for me to speak.

"You're a fucking prick, Ben Solo."

Even I can't believe the words just left my mouth, but there they are hanging in the air creating a tension like no other and I can do absolutely nothing to take them back.

"I never asked you to stick around kid. If I remember clearly I told you to stay away from me but of course, you don't listen to me. You never listen to me. You're as stubborn as they come. I'm not going to tell you again _stay the fuck away from me_."

My throat closes up, suppressed sobs wrack my chest. The tears are warm as they roll down my cheeks.

"You're an idiot."

My legs won't move, I need to run yet I'm frozen in place. Desperately wanting him to take those hurtful words back. I've pinned my gaze to the wooden floor beneath me, it's becoming blurry, and my vision is honing in and out.

Suddenly, trembling fingers are running through the tiny tendrils at the nape of my neck before he cups the spot, thumb tracing my jaw guiding my gaze back up to his. His eyes were ablaze with guilt, "Shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that" he rushes out, "I don't know what's wrong with me kid. Forgive me please."

"Why won't you just let me help you, you're breaking my heart," I whisper clutching the wrist that is currently holding me in its gentle caress.

If I thought Ben looked tormented before nothing compares to the way he looks now. He looks completely destroyed as if I just pulled the rug out from underneath him and stairs just happened to be behind him.

"Rey," he can only mutter bending at the waist to press his forehead against my own.

"I love you Ben and I'm scared you're going to wind up dead. Don't do this. _Don't go this way_."

"I don't know what I am without the alcohol anymore," he rumbled sounding like a sleepy bear.

The smell of whiskey is on his breath. I should be repulsed, tell him to go brush his teeth, but instead, the scent draws my lips closer to his. Our breath mingles together, harsh pants are escaping him. His hand tightens on my neck, black orbs flit to mine. There is a raw intensity in his black orbs, heat pools between my thighs at the sight, and I don't think twice about brushing my lips against his.

 It's chaste. Not even a kiss. Our eyes clash as I do so and it's enough to knock me on my ass.

Untamed is the only way I can describe the expression on his face. That should be my sign to run. Instead, I dart my tongue out running the tip of it along his bottom lip.

"Fuck," he growls fisting my hair tugging my head back, my neck bared to his hungry eyes.

"Ben," I whimper grasping onto the front of his shirt feeling all the hard ridges underneath.

"Why would you do that?" He snarls fingers tighten in my hair.

"I don't know, it just felt right at that moment," I snap back reveling in the way his eyes darken, teeth grind together as he tries to keep his cool, but is doing a terrible job so far.

"Damn it, Rey! That's a very shitty excuse for doing such a thing! You cannot just do that," he seethes, chest rising and falling hard, wild eyes scan over my face. There is a certain misery swimming in his irises, his breathing has become jagged, and I watch a bead of sweat roll down from his temple ending at his neck where he visibly gulps.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking," I mutter feeling ashamed by my actions, but still unsure as to why Ben was so upset. I was just showing my affection for him, he can't be that blind to my feelings can he?

It isn't like I wanted this to happen to me, but the line between thinking of him as my brother has definitely been crossed, and now all I can think about is how he would feel pressed up against me. I want to know how every one of his muscles feels under my fingertips.

**_I want to touch him._ **

**_I want to lick him._ **

**_I want him to be inside of me._ **

The dirty thoughts should terrify me, but Ben had become so much more than just a best friend and now that I could understand my feelings I knew what I wanted. My hormones were raging, puberty rearing its ugly head just to fuck with me. Of course, he wouldn't desire me sexually, he was a man, and as he said I was just a child.

My breasts were nothing to write home about and my body was a bit on the skinny side so it was understandable as to why Ben would not see me as a woman. Still, the thought clawed at me viciously making me want to cry. I forced the tears back not wanting him to see me upset about something so stupid.

I lifted my eyes to his once again still fisting his shirt, "I won't do something so foolish again," I clarify and move to pull out of his touch. He doesn't let me though; his other hand grasps my hip urging me closer.

"Rey, don't do this to me," he whispers sounding so tormented I shiver at that sound.

"I don't understand."

His lips hover over mine, "I can't act on these feelings."

He is so close that his lips ghost over my own as he speaks and I'm rendered speechless at his confession.

I pull back to search his face, tears have welled up in his eyes, and he's biting down on his bottom lip-a habit that gives away how conflicted he is.

"I'm thirty-four kid, you're only sixteen. You're going to meet a guy your age and of course, I'm going to go insane with the knowledge some filthy bastard is laying his hands on my girl, but that's how it has to be and I have to be okay with that truth. I'm sorry. I'm fucking sick in the head and this feeling," he pauses, my stomach is in knots as he continues, "This desire for you is so fucking wrong, and I refuse to give in to my baser instincts because you are worth so much more than that. I will never be good enough for you Rey; even if I was younger I'd still be a degenerate fuck-up. I hate that I feel this way about you, it makes me sick to my stomach."

"Ben, if you like me then what's wrong with that? It doesn't have to be this taboo thing. You're not sick for liking me and you're not a fuck-up. You can get better Ben. I know you can!"

"You're so fucking naïve," he says through gritted teeth, "I'm a man you understand that right?"

I roll my eyes at the silliness of the question, "Of course I understand that. It's clear as day you're a man Ben. Thanks for stating the obvious."

He wrenches away from me shoving his fingers through his ebony locks in frustration, "What I'm trying to say is that I'm a much older man and you are a teenage girl. There is too much age between us and I should go to hell for even thinking of anything but pure thoughts about you.”

He trembles almost violently as he paces until he strides to the kitchen. When he returns he has a beer in his hand and plops down on the couch.

_I can't believe he's actually going to keep drinking! He's already had way more than enough!_

Without putting much thought into it I stomp in front of him moving to grab the bottle. His expression morphs into one of raw anger, baring his teeth at me like a wounded animal he moves the bottle out of reach.

"Do not be stubborn right now. You do not need to drink more!"

He actually snarls when I attempt to grab the bottle again. Glowering at him I crawl into his lap reaching over him to take the bottle out of his vice grip. My fingertips touch the bottom of the bottle condensation coats them, but I'm still unable to get a good hold on it.

"I'm a grown man kid; I can make my own damn decisions!"

He manages to hold me back with one arm bringing the beer to his lips and taking massive chugs of it. Breaking through his defense I smack the beer away causing him to sputter and the remaining beer stains the leather couch. Black pools of rage snap to mine.

"You little brat!"

"You're the one behaving like an imbecile!"

"I never wanted this Rey! I never asked for this!"

"Do you think this is what I wanted!? I never wanted to fall in love with you Ben Solo! You're the only person that can put the pieces of my heart back together and then tear them apart in the next instance!"

"You know why I couldn't stay sober? You want to know why?" His hands land on my waist startling me, his nails dig into my skin through the cotton layer.

"Why?" I mutter feeling the fight leave my bones.

"I had finally become everything I hated. I was weak and I still am. You've owned my heart for so long Rey and you don't even know how humiliating it was to wake up one day wishing that you were beside me. I've watched you grow up, I have loved you like you were my own, and then one day all I could see was a young determined woman that would go to the ends of the world for the ones she loves.

That was the day I knew that I didn't deserve to breathe. What sick fuck falls in love with somebody who he held in his arms, who he sang lullabies to because that was the only way they would fall asleep at night. You would always wrap your hands around my finger and giggle up at me. All I felt was love. You showed me what it meant to love someone. You gave me a purpose in this life Rey and I've blown that all to hell," he pauses staring up into my eyes, tears slip down his face, "I love you," he weakly says removing his hands from where they clawed at my waist. He hangs his head burying his face into his hands.

"Ben," I whisper threading my fingers through his soft curls I pull him against my chest and he doesn't struggle. I snuggle my cheek into his hair, "Don't you know I love you too. I'm in the wrong as well. I should have known better than to let these feelings get to this point. I wanted to believe that I still saw you as a brother, but I couldn't do it anymore Ben. I dream of you. I-I touch myself wishing it was you."

It's so fast the way he yanks me off of him tossing me next to him, "Enough," he bites out, "Don't say another fucking word."

Of course I don’t heed his warning.

"I think about that scene in ‘The Breakfast Club' when John slips his head between Claire's thighs. She tries to act like that's not what she would want, but I knew right then that if you ever did that I would spread my legs wider."

"Jesus Christ kid! When the hell did you get such a filthy mouth!" He slams his head back on the headrest of the couch, looking about ready to explode.

"C'mon Ben, don't act like you don't like it."

"I think it's best if you go home," he says in a low voice.

"So you can jerk off to my filthy mouth?" My lips twist into a seductive smirk and even I'm surprised by how bold I'm being, but that's what Ben does to me. He brings this side out of me no matter how much I wish he didn’t.

He pins me with a dark look and I quirk my brow in challenge at him.

"You need to go," he repeats.

"Fine." I stand and stretch giving him a perfect view of my ass.

"Don't come back here anymore."

My arms drop to my sides; I'm sick and tired of this back and forth bullshit so I do the only thing that I think is sensible at this time.

I crawl back into his lap before he can protest it slamming my lips upon his not very gently at all. He gasps into my mouth giving me the opportunity to slip my tongue inside, it glides along the roof of his mouth, across his teeth before finally meeting his own.

 He's not even touching me, my eyes dart open as our mouths now hover over each other. His hands are trembling as they hang inches above my upper thighs.

Pressing my lips against his I hear his breath hitch still not reciprocating. Another one is pressed to the corner of his lips where it quivers, one more on the underside of his jaw. I leave a trail of open-mouthed kisses along his neck, sucking on the throbbing vein there, and delighting in the yelp that escaped him. My weight settled right on the spot between his thighs which twitched once I did so. His breath was hot and fast on my cheek when I planted another kiss to the edge of his jaw, biting down gently.

"Damn it," he curses palms finally grasping onto my thighs.

"Stop trying to push me away, Ben. Just let me be here for you," I urged desperate for him to just accept things for what they were.

With determination I cupped his jaw, snagging his bottom lip between my teeth. The way his fingers tighten on my thighs causes heat to settle low in my belly. Dark brows knit together, conflicted orbs gaze at me. I let his lip go watching it fall back into place, small teeth indents are on the underside of his lip, and it's a tad swollen.

He reminds me of a wild animal, pupils blown, black waves in disarray with how much he ran his fingers through them-pulse thundering, and full lips parted that make me anticipate what is going to happen next.

"I have to be the adult here. I can't allow this to happen. You _need_ to go home."

Perplexity swarms in his dark eyes, breaths heavy and uneven. I refuse to give up.

"Damn you, Ben Solo," I hiss against his lips slipping my hands between our bodies I palm him through his jeans.

"Ah, fuck!" His knee jerks and he fumbles to grasp onto my wrists.

"Please Ben. Don't push me away!"

My lips press firmly against his, he actually whimpers against my lips, and this time when my tongue glides along his he groans into the kiss sucking on my tongue in a way that has me grinding against his hardening length.

"Oh god," I moan and he swallows it down. Lips moving together in a maddening rhythm. His palms drag up my thighs, squeeze, and dip behind to cup my ass in his large hands. Tugging away he nips along my jaw, teeth grazing over my fluttering pulse point.

"Rey, I'm not going to do this," he whispers against my skin.

"Why Ben?"

"You know why," he groans against my shoulder, "You're only sixteen."

"Will you wait for me?"

"Kid I'm going to be thirty-six by the time you're eighteen. Four years later I'm forty. You need to move on."

"You're breaking my heart, Ben!"

He shudders as if he's cold, "This is killing me too, Rey."

"I _need_ you in my life!" Tears have blurred my vision. I'm suffocating. That's the only way to describe the feeling that has possessed my body and soul. A massive weight lies on my shoulders and is impossible to shake.

He yanks me to him, strong arms encase me in their warmth, and I burrow my face into his neck, "I'm not going to leave you kid and we can still see each other, but nothing can happen between us. I can't cross that line."

There my heart goes breaking **_once again_** due to one Ben Solo

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XOXO  
> I have a playlist on spotify called writing music that inspires me to write Reylo!  
> Check it out if you'd like <3
> 
>  
> 
> [Here](https://open.spotify.com/user/irishtori1/playlist/3OHaR7XUegstbTMCDvpU0G)


	6. Scary Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Baby, I'm starstruck by you  
> Didn't know we'd get so far  
> And it's only the start  
> Baby, you got me worried  
> Your love is scaring me  
> No one has ever cared for me  
> As much as you do..."  
> -The Neighborhood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gahh I love my readers <3  
> You all seriously make me feel so much better about powering through life and continuing to do what I love.  
> Writing for all of you has been an amazing ride so far!
> 
> Thank you for your warm words and support!
> 
> Much love <3
> 
> Trigger Warning:  
> Underage things transpire.

Age: Seventeen

I shouldn't be leading Finn on like this. It was definitely not one of my wisest plans

We are currently holding hands walking through a scare zone at Universal Studios. I'm a hundred percent sure that Finn is a hell of a lot more afraid than I am. He squeezes my hand so hard I swear I hear the bones break. I've already had to tell him several times to quit it or else I was going to chop his hand off. A bit drastic, but the thing was I didn't even want to be holding his hand in the first place. The only reason I was doing it was because I knew that Ben was able to see it clear as day.

Janice and Poe had extra tickets, so that's how we all ended up here together. Yet, the only way we were allowed to go was if we had a chaperone. All our parents had come to that agreement yet none of them were willing to stand up and bite the bullet for their kids. I mentioned it to Ben while I hung out with him at the shop for lunch. Without hesitation, he offered to take us and that's how my pathetic plan to make him jealous sprouted to life.

Things between Ben and I never went back to normal. We have rules now. I'm not allowed to hang out with him at his house anymore. If I want to see him it has to be at the shop or some other place that is public.

 He's not as affectionate as he used to be either. No longer calls me kid. Barely makes eye contact with me when we talk. The relationship has been to put it simply fucked since that day we crossed the line between right and wrong.

If he regretted it that was on him, but I would never forget the way his lips felt against mine. He had tasted of whiskey. I always thought I'd hate the taste, but the way his tongue moved against my own only made me desperate to get drunk off of his kisses.

"Did you want to go into that one?" Finn asks biting on his nail, nodding over to "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" maze.

"Of course we're going in!" Poe declares pulling Janice towards the line.

Finn's grip tightens only for a moment immediately stopping once he sees the look I give him. The line is somewhat long, but Poe and Janice don't seem to care when their playing tongue hockey with each other.

 Finn is too nervous to even talk, dropping my hand to rub his arms. Ben towers over the group, stoic as ever with his arms crossed, and expression neutral. His raven hair was cut shorter, ending at mid-neck, and curling at the ends. It made him look younger than he actually was, but I liked it either way.

Dark eyes drill into mine as he catches me staring at him, he searches my face, "Having fun?" he huskily drawls. The sound makes my core clench.

Clearing my throat I shift nervously, "Yup, are you?"

He chuckles, "This isn't really my thing. I hate Halloween, to be honest. Always have."

Hates Halloween? Ben was the one who always helped me pick out my costume and took me trick or treating around the neighborhood. When I got sick one year he bought me a bunch of candy and even passed out candy to the neighborhood kids. If he hated Halloween it never showed. Ben was always smiling, sharing in my excitement with my costume ideas that were constantly changing.

He has always been so patient with me. The urge to press my lips against his makes my body flame with heat. I can only hope the shadows will show me some mercy and hide my flushed skin.

"I would never have guessed you hated Halloween. I thought I knew everything I needed to know about you, Ben."

"I wasn't going to ruin your fun. You were always so elated whenever Halloween rolled around. Sketching those adorable drawings of what you wanted to dress up as. The last thing I was going to do is tell you I couldn't help you out because I hate Halloween. You're all grown up now so I can go back to hating it. By the way your friend looks like he's about to pass out maybe he should sit this one out."

Glancing over at Finn he is sweating profusely and Ben is right-he looks like he's going to faint. I gently place my hand on his shoulder startling him, his eyes are frantic as he stares at me, "Hey, you should just sit this one out alright Finn? Go to the Jurassic Café and we'll meet with you once we're done."

Relief washed over Finn's face, "Thank you, Rey."

He didn't waste any time scurrying out of line and out of sight. He did it in the nick of time too because we were finally almost at the front. Ben stood right next to me now, my shoulder rubbed against his bicep. I shivered. It was _not_ from the cold.

We were waved inside; the smell was the first thing that attacked my senses. It was putrid!

"Smells like death in here," Ben muttered.

"I second that," Poe retorted holding Janice closer.

Suddenly a bloody girl jumped out at me begging for me to save her. I yelped grasping onto Ben's arm not really thinking about it. He didn't pull away and I concluded that he was fine with at least this kind of touching. His bicep was a ball of strength beneath my fingertips. It took everything out of me not to squeeze it, but the opportunity presented itself on its own when Leatherface came out of nowhere wielding his precious weapon.

I clamped down on his arm feeling just how buff he was.

Poe yelled so loud and Janice was already running out of the room. The man was tall, but Ben was just as tall as him.

Ben doesn't even flinch when the man puts the chainsaw inches from his neck. His arm wraps around my shoulders pulling me into his side, the man gives up moving onto the next victim.

 We manage to make it out of the chaotic maze in one piece. Poe and Janice catch up with us, both their gazes flick to where Ben's arm rests around my shoulders. My hand is splayed out on his lower back and I know how it must look to both of them.

They have never really spent any time with him over the years even though we've all been friends for a while. It was often that I talked about him and they had all made sure I realize that. Poe asked me why everything always led back to Ben and at the time I didn't have an answer.

Now, the answer is simple. My _entire world_ revolved around Ben Solo.

There was no light in my life without Ben.

_I loved him._

"Let's head to the café, don't want to keep Finn waiting," I stammer avoiding Poe and Janice's curious eyes. They walk ahead of us and I figure Ben will let go of me now, but he doesn't. We walk side by side our footfalls falling in line with one another.

I feel so small huddled up by his side. He towers over me and I wonder if this position is uncomfortable for him. If it is he doesn't say anything, Poe holds the door open for us, thanking him we maneuver inside.

 Finn is ecstatic to see us when we walk up to the table until he sees Ben's arm and where it currently lies. His whole demeanor falls and he sinks back into the seat.

"I'm going to get food," Poe says wrapping his hand around Janice's hand heading towards the line. It was basically like a cafeteria with the way you grabbed a tray and someone gives you what you want, a hamburger, slice of pizza, or chicken sandwich being your meager options.

I'm not even that hungry anyways. I jolt when Ben's fingers spread out on my neck gently pressing down as his thumb strokes along my jaw. My eyes snap up to his, he looks at me from hooded lids and reminds me of the big bad wolf about to swallow me whole. The hunger in them is enough to make me have to press my thighs together in the hopes it would fend off the wetness that is starting to gather.

"You hungry kid?" His voice is low and I want to hear it whispering dirty things in my ear.

I'm not prepared for him to call me ‘kid'. He hasn't called me that for over half a year now. I almost cry at the pet name that I've been longing to hear come from his lips once again.

"Not really," I murmur feeling extremely shy.

"You sure?"

"Yup."

His arm falls away, sitting down only to pull me onto his lap. I let out a surprised yelp. His arm wraps around my waist tugging me close and suddenly I regret wearing a skirt tonight. It was loose and went a bit past mid-thigh however it had raised a little due to the position I'm now in.

Finn blanches at the sight, "Rey, what the hell is going on?"

I'm surprised he actually has the guts to ask. Finn had always been passive aggressive so this was coming out of left field.

"Nothing is going on," I mutter not convincing at all. Ben's fingertips land on my thigh caressing the exposed skin. It takes a lot to not shudder when he does so.

"You're sitting in his lap, Rey," Finn says through clenched teeth. His hands have turned into fists.

Fingertips drift higher sliding to my inner thigh.

Oh god! _Why is he torturing me like this_?!

"So what Finn? Ben and I are friends."

Thumb trails over the edge of my panty line and I want to _scream_.

"His expression doesn't seem very friendly."

I'm unable to see Ben's expression, but I can tell he's smirking when he replies to Finn, "She's my girl. She's allowed to sit in my lap without you opening your fucking mouth."

His hand grips at the very top of my thigh thumb dangerously close to where wetness has pooled. I'm almost scared it's going to leak out of my panties and drip down my legs giving the gig away.

"You're going to let him talk to me like that?" Finn fumed standing up now. Poe and Janice have returned, food in hand looks of worry plastered on their faces.

They set their trays down taking a seat, "What's going on here?" Poe demands.

"She's sitting on his fucking lap," Finn yowls in disbelief.

Poe has a perfect view to see where Ben's hand currently rests; they dart to the spot, and up to meet my eyes. There is a list of questions in them, but he just smiles at Finn now.

"Relax, it's just between two friends. Plus he's known her all her life. He has you beat Finn. Here have some of my fries."

Poe diffuses the situation, but Finn still isn't happy about me being in Ben's lap. We end up leaving after they finish eating. It is one of the most uncomfortable car rides of my existence. Finn doesn't say bye when we drop him off at his place. He opts to slam the door miserably and rush into his house. Poe and Janice are a bit kinder, but they both obviously know the situation yet won't ask about.

Ben drives up to my house, parking the truck by the curb, and turns the key the roar of the engine dying down.

"Why Ben?" Is how I break the silence that has gathered between us.

He doesn't hesitate in replying and doesn't even try to lie, "Because I couldn't stand that little prick holding your hand. I hated seeing that shit."

"Tell me _why_."

"I _want you_ all for myself. _That's why_."

"You're the one who pushed me away," I state the facts of the matter.

 I had been ready to give him everything and he once again denied it. The game had gotten old fast. It was obvious how much he liked me and I just wanted him to quit denying the truth.

"It was a mistake. I love you so damn much Rey. I don't think I could ever stand another man having you. Just the thought alone kills me inside. Please give me another chance."

Dark brows are knitted together as he looks at me so earnestly, so openly. He's putting it all on the line and I'd be a fool to resist him.

I'm happy that the middle portion turns into a seat making it easy for me to crawl into his lap, wasting no time in claiming his plush lips. He groans into the kiss, hands immediately shoving under my skirt to grasp onto my ass. His tongue presses against the seam of my lips and I part my lips meeting his with my own.

My heart beats an unsteady rhythm, fingers tugging at his ebony locks-tongues, teeth, and lips clash together in a heated tango that threatens to ruin all we've ever known. Husky sounds escape him and I revel in the way they make my core clench. He growls low in his throat when I bite down on his lower lip tugging on it before I glide my tongue back inside his mouth.

One large hand disappears from underneath my skirt leaving the other one to skim over my tailbone. Thick, long fingers spread out on my ass. I feel one finger dip lower than the rest pressing ever-so-gently against where my opening is. His other hand wraps around my throat and I gasp against his lips. A smirk tugs at the corner of his mouth. He slides his hand up my throat, over my jaw, and runs his thumb along my lower lip.

"You're so fucking sexy," he growls pushing his thumb between my lips, they part allowing him the pad to skim over my bottom teeth. My tongue darts out flicking against it, he lets out a sound that's more beast than human.

He grasps my chin forcing my mouth to open wider, shoving his tongue back inside, and I moan helplessly holding tighter to his hair.

I cry out when my panties our shoved to the side, his fingers dipping into the wetness.

"You're fucking _soaked_. Christ! This is what I do to you?" He sounds almost in awe of my arousal for him.

"Yes," I hush out, my body is trembling as his fingers glide back and forth through my slick teasing my clit each time.

"I'm going to make you come and then you're going to go into your fucking house so I don't do something even more stupid than this," he says with so much authority I can only nod in response.

His middle finger probes at my opening, it clenches involuntarily.

"Just relax, Rey. I'll make you feel good,” he whispers against my jaw.

I breathe out, relaxing my body, and that allows him to slide his thick finger inside stretching me in a way that I thought wasn't possible. It hurts, but there's no way I'm going to make him stop now. Another finger joins the first and this time it does cause a very uncomfortable pain. I force my body to relax as they slide in and out of me slowly. They curl rubbing against a spot that sends sparks shooting behind my eyes.

"Ben," I whimper and my hips begin to move.

I'm riding his fingers, his thumb circling my clit in maddening circles. Ben is panting, sweat beads at his temples, and I'm moaning like a bitch in heat. His fingers are filling me up so deliciously I envision they are his cock even though I know full well that part of him would stretch me out a hell of a lot more than his fingers.

A third finger pushes at my opening, "No Ben that hurts!" I throw my head back trying to suck air into my lungs desperately.

"I know Rey, but trust me it's for your own damn good. Now take it," he snarls against my lips maneuvering the third one inside me. For some reason, just that extra stretch and the way he thumbs my clit sends me spiraling into my release with no warning.

"Oh god Ben, oh god," I moan as my core spasms around his fingers.

His fingers pull out slowly. He brings them to his lips and I watch in shock as he licks me off of them.

"Fuck, you taste so sweet. Of course, you would," he chuckles shaking his head.

"B-Ben…"

He cups my jaw snagging my lips in a heated kiss before he pulls away, "Now go."

"Can I see you again…like tomorrow?"

"Of course kid," he murmurs.

I smile widely at him giving him a quick kiss and scurry out of the truck up to my door. When I look over my shoulder he's still waiting and once I'm inside I let the weight of what just happened sink in.

Ben Solo had finally let go.

He was officially mine.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi to me on tumblrrrrr
> 
>  
> 
> [Here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace)


	7. How to love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god the slow burn is killing me and I'm the freaking author!! lol
> 
> Thank you to all for your sweet comments! I can't express how thankful I am to all of you <3
> 
> Much love <3

Ben

The beer stares back at me. Taunting me to just drink it.

_What harm can one beer really do_?

My fingers itch to just take it out of the fridge, but I slam it shut instead returning to my couch where I slump down rather unceremoniously. Running my palm over my face I let out a heavy sigh.

This isn't how my life was supposed to go. I wasn't _supposed_ to be an alcoholic by the time I was twenty-three and I sure as hell wasn't still supposed to be one at thirty-six. I'm surprised my liver wasn't shot by now. Maybe all the exercise I still did to this day helped, but that was just me trying to make things seem better than they actually are. 

The beer is practically screaming my name from where it sits in the fridge. Growling I shove my fingers through my hair tugging at the long strands.

My body is trembling and I'm breaking out into cold sweats so much so that I grasp the collar of my shirt tugging it up and over my head with shaky hands. I try everything to calm myself, but this is just my body going through withdrawals. It doesn't know why the hell I'm not giving it what it wants, what it _knows_.

 A strangled sound escapes me sounding more animalistic than human. Curling up into a ball, I feel sicker than I've ever felt before. Tears threaten to spill down my cheeks. I dig my face into the couch growling in pain, clawing at my body and before I can stop myself I'm leaning over vomiting on the wooden floor. I'm breathing hard and really wish that I would just keel over and die right about now.

 Hazel eyes flit into my head and a wave of calm rushes over me. The sickness remains, but just thinking about her is enough to make me feel a bit saner. The thing was I shouldn't even have the right to think about her. The regret I felt after I fucking fingered her right outside of the house where her dad was without a doubt inside made me want to shoot myself in the head. Her pretty lips had parted so perfectly, the sweet sounds that left them had me burning for her.

The last thing I ever thought I would do was _that_ to her and when she saw me the next day eager to kiss me and touch me I lost my shit. I'm the one who wanted a second chance and I royally went and fucked up that chance by telling her that we could never be together. It just wouldn't work out. I was so much older than her and she told me to go to hell and that was that.

She didn't talk to me for months. It was only recently that she stopped by to say she still wants to be friends. She had met somebody and I guess the little bastard was a nice guy who she could see herself being with for the long haul. I wanted to tell her that she was too young to know what she wants, but I knew that would just be a lie. She was mature for somebody her age and I was the biggest idiot known to man.

She turned eighteen a couple weeks ago and I guess her boyfriend took her up to some cabin in the woods. The thought of that prick touching her and kissing her sparked a fury in me that was hard to contain. He wasn't supposed to be the one doing all that, but neither was I.

It was a hard pill to swallow that I even felt anything other than platonic feelings for Rey. I'm the one who watched her grow up and I actually had the audacity to fall for her now that she was a woman. For god's sake, I gave her fucking bubble baths when she wasn't feeling good. I never felt anything for her. She was my baby sister practically my own kid with how much I took care of her.

Then she aged and became this to die for woman, intelligent, beautiful, full of spunk and I was a goner. She stole my heart in a completely different way and I was powerless to the feelings that took over me. Still, I had the power to not act on them and I fucked up when I touched and kissed her.

Of course, I'm a damn fool. To lead her on only to break her heart _once again_ should have gotten me buried alive, but Rey wasn't the type to hold a grudge. That was just my perfect girl with a heart of gold, never willing to give up on my dumbass.

The sound of my bell ringing startles me. I can't really move right now and I still need to clean my mess up off the floor. The bell rings again and I groan as it causes my headache to intensify. Forcing myself into a sitting position I manage to stand and stagger to the door. Opening it I'm face to face with Hux. He grimaces as his blue eyes scan my face.

"You look like someone put you in a blender and then tried to put the pieces back together after that."

"Thanks," I deadpan opening the door wider for him to step inside.

I met Hux at an alcoholic’s anonymous meeting and he offered to become my sponsor when I told the group that I struggled with staying sober. Of course, I had no idea what he meant when he first asked me and being the stubborn asshole I am I told him to fuck off. Hux was not easily offended or scared off. He stared at me blankly and told me to drop the act. So, I did. Basically, I told this stranger everything about me.

Almost everything. I didn't think I could ever tell him about Rey.

"Wait here. I need to clean up my mess first."

Understanding appeared on Hux's face, he nodded and leaned up against the door while he waited for me.

"Alright, the coast is clear. Can I get you anything to drink, I have soda and water."

"Water will be fine."

We walk into the kitchen, he inspects how clean it is, quirking his red brow at me, "You okay Ben? Have all you been doing is cleaning?"

"I can't sleep," I mutter feeling my face heat in embarrassment, " So, cleaning helps wear me out."

Hux chuckles, "Well, that is one way to do it. You should try melatonin supplements. That's what I use and they actually really help. It wouldn't hurt to see if it works for you."

"Thanks. I just have a lot on my mind. I forgot you were supposed to come over and the withdrawals are killer. I have one beer in the fridge and a part of me wants to drink it so bad and the other part knows I need to pour it down the sink."

"It's going to take time for your body to adjust, but once it does I promise it will all be worth it. You quit cold turkey and it's hard. Still, you have the ability to beat your addiction. That's what I'm here for. You have my number use it when you need to talk to me. About the beer, I think it's best to get rid of it. That's not your life anymore. Moving forward is what you need to focus on."

There's a sharp rap at my door, both of us glance at one another confused. I know that I didn't invite anyone but Hux to stop by today. Striding to the door I open it up for the second time today. My breath hitches when I see Rey standing before me in nothing but a tight teal tank top that shows clearly she is not wearing a bra to my horror, paired with white shorts that reveal the smooth expanse of her toned legs. Her skin is golden and smattered with freckles creating a hunger that I know I have to resist.

Right at this moment, Rey does look like a young woman, no longer that little girl with the toothless smile. She's gotten so tall, but still barely reaches just under my shoulder.

"Can I come in?"

She has her arms crossed over her chest, one hip slightly jutted out to the side as she taps her foot impatiently. Now that she was eighteen she had gotten this attitude from hell with me. Of course, I knew where it stemmed from. I had burned her one too many times and even though she still wanted to be friends she was still going to make damn sure I didn't forget what I did to her.

As if I could ever forget.

"Sure," I mumble stepping aside. She sashayed inside going straight to the fridge. Barely eyeing Hux before she reached inside and to both our astonishment took the beer. She cracked it open without batting an eyelash and took a long pull.

"Damn I really needed that. I can always count on you Ben to have at least one beer in the fridge."

The jest pierces me like a hundred knives being slammed into my skin.

"Who is this?" Hux asks and I watch as Rey's face turns into one of pure hatred. She's never even met Hux and she's acting like it is crazy I haven't told him about her.

"She's my best friend's daughter Rey."

Rey's eyes widen, "Oh, so that's what I am to you?" Her laugh is humorless and she scoffs chugging more of the beer until it's finished. She slams it on the counter smirking at Hux.

"They are barely friends anymore. I'm much more to him than just the daughter of his ex-best-friend," she hisses, tone vehement.

"Ben, is she your girl?" Hux doesn't seem disgusted by the possibility and my heart hammers in my chest. Sweat beads and rolls down over my jaw. I swipe at it, fingertips running over the thudding of my pulse, and finally, I gather my words.

"Yeah, she's my girl."

"Then, it's not very polite to act like she isn't don't you think?” His head tilts to the side, “I can stop by another day alright?"

"I think that would be for the best. Thanks for stopping by I really do appreciate it."

"Nice meeting you Rey," Hux declares grasping onto her hand and pressing a kiss to the top of it. He winks at her and pulls a smile out of her.

"Sorry for my craziness," she murmurs blushing.

"Don't worry about it. I'll see you two another time."

Just like that he's left the house leaving us alone.

"You look like shit," she bluntly says and quirks her head to the side.

"Withdrawals," I state pushing my fingers through my hair.

Her face softens, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that or just shown up out of the blue, but I was upset. Kyle broke up with me. He told me that most girls he was with put out and that he wasn't going to stay with a girl that didn't let him fuck her. I can't say I'm upset that he dumped me, what I'm pissed off about is that he honestly believes just because you're with someone you have to have sex with them. It's so obnoxious."

My jaw clenches, "He's a fucking dipshit. I'm glad that you didn't let him anywhere near-never mind, that's beside the point. I'm sorry Rey that he turned out  to be not worth your time."

"I'm not sorry," she whispers glimpsing up at me through hooded eyes.

"Rey," I start, but she interrupts me.

"Ben, you said I was your girl. Did you not mean that?"

My brows knit together and I can't help myself I reach out stroking her jaw with my thumb, my four fingers caress the side of her neck.

"Of course I meant it, Rey. You will _always_ be my girl."

"Then stop fighting what we have! I will never love someone as much as I love you. You have filled my heart with so much love I don't even know what to do with all of it. You are my everything. My protector. My…soul mate. Please, just give in. Give into me," she pleads wearing her heart on her sleeve.

"Rey,” I mutter wanting to kiss her so bad.

She continues, her passion seeping out of every pore, “There are so many people out there with age differences greater than ours. We love each other for so many reasons and I don't want to waste another moment being apart from you."

"You know you deserve better than me right?"

She sighs, "I don't know why you think you're some terrible human being."

"I want you to have all life has to offer and I'm going to get old Rey, technically I already am. You can meet a guy your age and get old together. You can't do that with me."

"I don't want anyone but you Ben! Don't you understand?? It has always been you."

She seems so defeated as if she's scared her words won't reach me.

"Then we need to do this right."

Her eyes flit between my own, surprised at my words, "What do you mean?"

"I want to take you on a proper date and I don't want this to be a dirty secret so we're going to have to tell your dad. You're going to have to tell your friends. I want to be with you Rey, but those are my requirements before we move this any further together."

Suddenly her arms are wrapping around my neck and she jumps so that her legs wrap around my waist. The fact she has the ability to do that startles me and I immediately grasp onto her ass to prevent her from falling on it. Her lips attack my jaw causing a strained grunt to escape me.

"Yes, Ben I'll do anything you want as long as it means we can finally be together," she murmurs against my lips her scent infiltrates my senses making all the blood rush to another part of me I'm desperately trying to ignore. Her eyes widen slightly and I know she can feel my want for her.

Her lips press against mine, placing soft, chaste kisses there. My lips part on their own accord, the tip of her tongue traces along my bottom lip up to my upper lip in a tantalizing circle that has me groaning like a teenage boy who has never gotten laid before. She pulls my lower lip in between her teeth biting gently, it's what causes something to snap in me. I slam her up against the wall taking control of the kiss.

My tongue thrusts inside her mouth dominating hers, my hands grip tighter to her tight globes. Our lips move against one another's heatedly. There is no time for teasing anymore as the fire inside of us rages to the surface threatening to devour us whole. She arches into my chest moaning into my mouth with every pass and swipe of our tongues and lips. One hand drifts up to her hip squeezing lightly as it continues to venture over her side until it stops right at the underside of her breast, my thumbs drags back and forth there. I have half a mind to shove her shirt up and cup the breast that I know will fit almost perfectly in my palm.

I'm completely unprepared for the rush of emotions that wash over me. It's this undying sense of passion and need combining with this overwhelming feeling to protect and care for her. I've always been the one to protect Rey from the predators of the world and yet here I was doing this inexcusable thing to her. What really got to me was that I knew I should feel guilty, there should be something in me that caused me to hate myself, but at this moment none of that rose to light. All I knew was that I loved her and it no longer mattered how much age we had in between us because I knew that she was the one I would be with for the rest of my life.

She is everything to me and more. I can't deny it any longer. I can't deny how much I want her or how much I love her. This relationship may be considered taboo, but the thing was I just couldn't bring myself to care anymore. Not when she was giving me the best kiss in my entire fucking existence. No woman had kissed me like they couldn't get enough of me. My sex life had been nothing to write home about. I was a good lover, but I had never been with someone that I truly wanted.

Rey would probably end me if she let me inside of her and that thought alone was enough to scare the living hell out of me. Her fingers thread through my hair tugging on the strands like they are a lifeline and I know even more so that if we do wind up in bed together I'm going to not know what to do with myself.

She's so warm. So fucking soft. Our lips part leaving us both breathing hard. That kiss had lit my brain on fire and I would forever be addicted to her taste, her touch, her tongue, her lips, her scent-I would be fucking addicted to everything she had to offer.

"Ben," she pants, "I love you."

Pressing my forehead to hers I smile genuinely for the first time in a while, "I love you too kid."

* * *

 

Her hand trembles in mine as we walk up to her front door. Squeezing it I try to give her a reassuring smile, but her eyes still showcase all her worry. Her hand falls from mine as she opens the door pushing inside and I follow close behind starting to feel the anxiety creeping in. There is no way this is going to be pretty, but I wasn't going to worry Rey even more with the knowledge that fists might fly.

Mine and Chris's relationship had become slightly better, but we still weren't as close as we used to be. Telling him this truth was going to be the final nail in my coffin.

We find both Chris and Jasmine in the kitchen sipping on coffee and eating blueberry muffins enjoying just being in the same room with one another. Maybe Rey and I could be like this someday. Own a place together and maybe raise a couple kids. I shake the thought from my mind when Chris sees both of us. His brow quirks up in confusion.

"Hey Chris, Jasmine," I say keeping the quiver out of my voice.

"Long time no see Ben. How you been?" He asks setting his mug down.

"Good. How about you?"

"Fine, thank you. So what brings you to these parts?"

"Rey and I need to talk to you."

His eyes flick over to Rey who is a nervous mess and I know I'm going to have to be the one to deliver the news.

"Alright, I'm listening."

"Chris, you know I've always been there for Rey whenever she needed me. I've been her friend all these years. I would never hurt her. I care about her so damn much and I love her," I take a deep breath and continue, "I'm in love with her Chris. I'm here to ask for your blessing to date her."

Jasmine gasps covering her mouth and I watch as fury morphs Chris's once relaxed features, "What do you mean you're in love with her? She's eighteen-years-old," he says with barely constrained anger.

"I know that, but it doesn't change my feelings for her."

Chris stands, he's a lot shorter than me, but that doesn't stop him from fisting my shirt and slamming me back against the counter, the back of my head smacks hard against the cabinet. The counter digs into my lower back and I growl in pain.

"You sick fuck!!"

Rey and Jasmine both move to stop Chris, but I hold up my hand stopping both of them from getting any closer. The last thing I want is either one of them to wind up hurt.

"Chris, let's just talk about this," I plead, but he doesn't want to hear it. His fist collides with my jaw shooting sparks of pain through the point of impact.

"You know what you are Ben!? A pedophile!!"

"I never once looked at her like that when she was a child not even when she became a teenager! These feelings are new and trust me I never thought they would happen, but they did and I refuse to keep living this life without her by my side!" I yell shoving him away from me with ease.

"You're an alcoholic Ben! You're not even worth her time!" He screams throwing another punch, but this time I dodge and he misses.

"I'm getting better!"

"That's what you always say!" Another thrown punch. Another miss.

"I promise I can get better! For her, I can do anything! She makes me a better person! Don't you see that??"

"She's too young for you!" He lands a punch to my ribs and I've had enough I grasp his collar slamming him down on the ground raising my fist letting it collide with his jaw. I'm huffing and puffing, but I don't throw another punch I use my massive weight to pin him down instead.

"Listen to me, Chris. I came here to tell you the truth because I wasn't going to go behind your back. If you don't want to offer your blessing then that's fine, but Rey is old enough to make her own decisions and if that means she wants to be with a guy like me then I want to be with her too. I love her. She is the only person that makes me feel like I have a purpose in this world and I'm not going to lose her. I'm sorry."

Agony washes over his face, then tears slip from the corner of his eyes, "Why her Ben? Why my little girl? You were there when she learned how to walk and talk and now you're telling me you see her in a romantic sense?? I don't understand."

"I don't understand any of this either, but I love her and I'm not going to deny my feelings for her anymore."

I get off of him and help him up. Both Rey and Jasmine are pale with worry.

"You want to be with him?" Chris asks Rey.

"Yes, I love him. I always have," she says her eyes sad.

Chris grasps his heart and nods like it's painful to do so, "Then I can't keep you two apart, but I need time so please leave."

Without another word, Rey takes my hand and we depart together. When we get back to my place I slump down on my sofa letting my head fall back with a deep exhale. Rey comes back from the kitchen with ice wrapped in a towel. She sits next to me and presses it to my bruised jaw.

"You were really brave," she voices.

"You know I would do anything for you, you’re my girl,” I sigh letting the ice cool my skin, “I thought I was going to pass out."

"I'm sorry I was so useless. It was like a cat had gotten my tongue."

I squeeze her thigh lovingly, "It had to be me anyway. I'm just glad your dad didn't kill me.  A bruised jaw and ribs aren't so bad."

"He punched you in the ribs?" She exclaims her eyes wide.

I raise my shirt up and there a big black bruise has begun to form, "Yup. Your old man sure knows how to pack a punch."

"I'm sorry Ben."

"Don't be. I'm just glad it's out in the open and done with. So I'm going to take you on a date tonight. Wherever you want to go I'll take you there."

"Anywhere?"

"Yes, wherever your heart desires."

She smiles to herself and I admire just how fucking pretty she is.

I can't help myself I drag her lips to mine and revel in the way she feels against me.

_My pretty girl. So damn perfect_.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're beautiful ;)
> 
> XOXO


	8. It's so sweet, knowing you love me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When you’re all alone  
> I will reach for you  
> When you’re feeling low  
> I will be there too"  
> -Cigarettes After Sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all my amazing readers!  
> You are the true heroes!
> 
> Much love <3

Ben

"Fuck, please Rey," I grunt while the little vixen to my right sucks at my pulse point, hand straying dangerously close to my hard-on. It's getting really difficult to drive with her setting my body on fire, also extremely dangerous. I stay extra cautious to my surroundings so the fact Rey is refusing to put her seatbelt back on worries me less.

"Want me to touch your cock," she purrs by my ear. The words have me groaning and I clamp my hand down on hers shoving it up to where my hardness is begging for her touch.

"You're huge," she murmurs clicking her tongue in appreciation. Her fingertips trail up and down my length. Teasing me to the point it's getting impossible to concentrate.

 I'm determined to get to this damn movie theatre that she wanted to go to on our first date. She had worried her lip as she asked if we could go to the one where they serve you food, you get your own blanket, and the seats are high quality. I said yes in a heartbeat. The price was nothing to me if it meant I got to take my girl somewhere she wanted to go.

Yet now she was making me want to just pull over and have my way with her.

Finally, I pull up into a spot at the theatre away from most of the population, turn the truck off hastily, and without hesitation I grip the back of her neck crashing my lips against hers. The kiss is full of hunger, my brain is short-circuiting like it always does when this perfect woman allows me to touch her. Her lips are so warm. _I want more…so much more._

Her lips are demanding against my own, I smirk against them, and it elicits a sharp hiss from her. My other hand cradles the side of her face slanting her head so I can deepen the kiss. Her tongue begs for entrance and who am I to deny her. She draws her tongue over my teeth when my lips part. I'm unable to stop the growl of pleasure that it causes and she swallows it down eagerly.

If we don't stop now then we're never going to make it to this movie, reluctantly I pull away, and press one last kiss to the corner of her mouth.

"Let's go see this damn movie," I mumble pulling away from her not missing her disappointment.

Both of us step out at the same time, coming up beside each other. I lock the truck and watch as she stares at my hand, chewing on her bottom lip nervously.

She was so damn beautiful, her outfit had changed to my relief. There was no way I could take her being without a bra any longer. Now she was wearing a skin-tight white dress paired with fishnets, converse, and a red jacket. The outfit didn't make me want her any less and her ass was calling my fucking name, but we would be in a dark room watching a movie most likely some space between the two of us.

 I could survive the night.

  _Hopefully._

Tugging at the collar of my black button up I decide to undo a couple more buttons so that I don't feel like I'm suffocating. After I feel a bit more comfortable I take her hand in mine. She jolts slightly, but as we begin to walk side by side she's smiling like she just caught the canary. We arrive to the front of the theatre and there's a line we have to wait in to get our tickets scanned.

Rey wanted to see some sappy love movie and I wasn't going to argue so there I spent close to seventy bucks for us to see The Notebook. I guess they were bringing movies from the past back to the screen and that just happened to be one of them. She was ecstatic when she saw that they were offering that movie and her way of getting what she wanted was to kiss me senseless. Of course, I bought the damn tickets in a heartbeat. I had personally never seen the movie, but Rey told me she had seen it dozens of times yet never in theatres.

Moving my hand from hers I wrapped my arm around her shoulder tugging her close to my side. I lean down pressing a kiss against her temple, she reaches up lacing her hand with my own and squeezes gently. A couple of people look at us in confusion. I know what they're wondering. It makes my face span with heat. Lowering my eyes to the ground I try to not let it get to me, but it proves to be difficult.

"Ben," Rey calls my attention. Her hazel eyes literally twinkle when she stares up at me, "You're sexy."

My face heats further, the people staring at us long forgotten, "Damn it, Rey, don't say shit like that right now."

"Why not?" She replies faking innocence.

"You _know_ why," I growl by her ear and feel her shudder in my hold.

The line begins to move saving me from her response. Our tickets are scanned and we head to the theatre taking our seats. It feels like heaven sitting in this chair especially when it turns into a lounge chair. How do people not fall asleep at theatres like this?

Rey excitedly scans the menu, I know I shouldn't but her hair is pulled away from her neck, and I need to feel the smooth skin underneath my lips. Cupping the other side I lean over sucking gently at the vein there. She startles letting out a breathy moan that shoots straight to my dick. I want to touch her so bad. A throat is cleared and we both start. I let go of her like I've been burned.

There's a waiter whose skin is flushed, he's young, and looks so ashamed that he caught us in such an intimate state. He holds complimentary popcorn and a couple blankets.

"Sorry about that," I mutter feeling like a teenager. I had never been one for public displays of affection, but something about Rey had me wanting to constantly show just how much I adored her.

"Is there anything I can get you two? Something to drink?" He croaks fiddling with his fingers.

"Can I get the veggie pizza?" Rey asks practically climbing over me to do so. She has no shame as she places her hand right on my upper thigh way too close to the promised land. Both mine and the waiter's eyes hone in on the spot.

His eyes go wide and he shifts uncomfortably, "V-Veggie pizza anything else?"

"Two cokes, please," she smiles completely naïve to my inner turmoil.

"Any c-candy?"

"Hmm, yes some red licorice and peanut m&m's, please. That should complete my order."

"You got it. I'll be back soon with your order."

"Thank you!" She beams at him. He escapes like a massive dog is chasing him, but I can't blame the guy. Rey's hand remains fixed on my thigh and my cock isn't getting the message that now is not the time to make its presence known.

"I'm so happy I'm seeing this in theatres right now," Rey exclaims gripping my thigh. A noise escapes from the back of my throat. She hears it, quirking a brow at me in confusion.

"I can't say I'm as happy as you are to see this movie," I reply hoping that it will distract her from the embarrassing sound I just made.

"And why not?" She's deciding to throw me a bone thankfully.

"I'm not that big into watching romance movies."

"This love story is great though. It's about a forbidden love kind of."

The topic of forbidden catches my attention especially with the way her voice dropped.

"Ah forbidden love eh?" I tease.

She rolls her eyes at me, "Yes, it's hot. I think you'll like it."

"We'll see," I murmur nuzzling her neck eliciting a sigh from her. Her fingers thread through my hair and I groan into her soft skin when she gently tugs, "Want you so bad," I pant as her hazel orbs wander over my face. She must see how much I want her because her eyes grow hazy with lust.

Her hand drifts higher feeling my desire for her, "Tonight Ben."

It's too soon. That's what my mind keeps telling me. Of course, my cock doesn't agree with it, but I know I can't just rush into sex with Rey. There was still something in me that was scared to take that final step. Kissing and touching was fine, but intercourse? That was a whole other terrifying mountain to climb.

To be honest I actually really was scared out of my mind to fuck her, but I knew that I wanted to shove my cock so deep in her tight cunt that I forgot my own name. Such vulgar thoughts didn't deserve to see the light of day. I couldn't be rough with Rey. There was no way I could take her from behind or shove one leg over my shoulder as I pounded into her mercilessly. It would have to be vanilla. Gentle touching, not hard nor fast. Slow and passionate. I had to be able to do that right?

I was going to fucking hell for wanting to do horrible things to her.

I _wanted_ to shove my cock into the back of her throat.

I _wanted_ to throw her legs over my shoulders and thrust into her at an angle that would cause her to shatter before me.

I _wanted_ to bury my fingers in her and then make that other tight hole of hers bend to my will.

_Shit!_

_I'm a pervert!_

"No," I hush out.

"What?" She says incredulously hand leaving my thigh.

"Not tonight. Not yet."

She stammers, but nothing comes out. Her mouth snaps shut and without another word, she faces the movie hands in her own lap now. Sighing I fall back into my chair knowing I had royally screwed myself on this one. The waiter is relieved to see us not fondling one another, setting our stuff down for us just as the movie begins to start. Rey eats her pizza not offering me a slice she tosses the licorice at me and that's the end of that.

The movie is actually not half bad. I find myself actually enjoying their budding relationship and then it falls apart. It makes me kind of upset and I curse the fact this movie is making me feel something. The lead girl goes off and decides to get engaged to some prick while the poor main dude builds her the dream house she always wanted. The scene where they begin to make out during the pouring rain is fucking hot. They are going at it like they can't get enough of one another. I flick my gaze over towards Rey and she's clutching the end of her dress in a vice grip, thighs rubbing together. I know she's aching and it takes everything out of me to remain seated so I won't shove my hands down her panties.

The rest of the movie I watch in a blur, the lights go on, and the credits continue to roll. Rey stands fixing her dress and there is a burning hunger swirling around in me causing my adrenaline to spike. My need for her right now is suffocating. My heart is thudding against my ribcage and when she moves past me without saying anything to me I follow her like a stray puppy desperate for love.

She walks ahead of me even in the parking lot, her ass is enticing me with every step she takes. My fingers twitch, jaw clenches, nostrils flare, and without thinking I'm turning her around shoving her up against the side of my truck.

"Gonna ignore me all night princess?"

She glares at the pet name, defiance was written all over her face, "Why don't you just give in Ben? What are you so fucking afraid of?"

"I want to, but I'm fucking afraid of everything Rey," I confess heatedly, "All these feelings and thoughts are spiraling around making me want things I shouldn't want."

"What _do you_ want Ben, tell me."

" _I want you_."

"Then fuck me, _please_. I'm not some fragile doll you're going to break. I promise," she begs, cupping my jaw to pull me closer to her. Our breaths mingle together and I know I'm going to give in. I want her so damn bad. No, I need her.

"Get in the truck," I say against her lips.

Once we're both buckled in, I begin the short drive back to my house. My hands are wrapped so tight around the steering wheel my knuckles have gone white. I'm breathing hard, sweat skates down my spine, and I feel like I've been put through the ringer. These clothes have become too tight and the car too stuffy. Rolling the window down I revel in the way the breeze cools my flushed skin. Rey shifts in her seat seeming perpetually uncomfortable.

I park in the driveway, getting out of the truck on unsteady feet. Rey doesn't wait for me as she walks to the front door. Forcing myself forward I come up behind her putting the key in the lock and push it open for her. Shutting it behind me she presses her back against the wall, hands threading together behind her back. Locking the door I try to steady my breathing as I peer over at her.

Her doe eyes stare at me and I'm done for. I grasp her waist, pulling her so close there's barely any space between us with her chest pressed up against my own. A teasing smile flits upon her lips and as always she leaves me breathless. She is so beautiful, the spark of desire evident in her hazel orbs, and I don't know how the hell I'm going to be gentle with her but I'm going to do my best.

With ease I lift her into my arms, cupping the back of her neck as my other arm rests under her ass. Her fishnet-clad legs wrap around me while I begin the walk to my room. Her tongue moves passionately against my own, sucking, and nipping every so often.

Rey's smell floods my senses, it's heady and I suddenly feel like I'm going to explode if I don't shove myself inside of her. Cursing the thought to leave me alone I gently set Rey on her feet once we were inside my bedroom. The moon illuminating the small space just enough that I'm able to make out every one of her beautiful features still.

At this moment I see it all shining in her hazel orbs. She loves me so much, it's hard to hold back from worshipping at her feet when that realization hits me like a ten-ton brick. My right-hand drops to her thigh, trailing along the hem of her white dress. Her breath hitches, pupils dilate, and lush lips part begging for me to claim them.

"I love you, Rey. I love you so much that I'm scared to hurt you." My brows draw together in worry, a frown now adorns my face.

Her arm extends as she stands on her tiptoes pressing shaky fingertips to the crease between my brows. She smoothes it out, a shy smile on her face. My pretty girl.

_Ba-dum_

_Ba-dum_

_Ba-dum_

"You won't hurt me, Ben. Tell me how much you want to fuck me," she whispers between the small space separating us.

_Ba-dum_

_Ba-dum_

_Ba-dum_

_Ba-dum_

"I want to fuck you so bad," I groan.

She grasps onto my hands placing them on her hips as she sways to the sound of invisible music.

"You want to fuck me into your bed? Wanna fuck me _hard_?" Her hips roll forward grinding against my hard-on.

"Yes, want you screaming my name," I pant dragging my hands back to the hem of her dress. Hiking it up past her hips in one fluid motion that has her gasping. I palm the side of her face dipping my head to lick a steady line along the side of her neck before biting down hard enough to leave a mark. Her hands fly out pushing under my shirt dragging her hands across my sides and over my abs. My stomach tenses when she does so, one palm remains as her fingertips dance over my happy trail stopping at the waistband of my jeans.

"Then make me scream your name, Ben." She emphasizes her point by tugging on the button of my jeans. My hand clamps down over hers looking at her through hooded lids.

"You sure you want me to do that? If you're giving me permission I'm going to fuck you so hard and deep you won't know if you hate it or love it," I threaten huskily, my lips brushing along hers not innocently at all.

She moans, "Please, I want it. Give it all to me _please_."

" _Fuck_ ," I growl pulling away to hastily start unbuttoning my shirt. I grow so impatient I end up ripping it apart, buttons fly everywhere but I don't have the heart to care. Not when Rey is gazing at me with lust-filled eyes demanding me to fuck her exactly like I want to. Shucking the material over my shoulders I let it fall to the ground.

"Take off your jacket and dress. Leave the fishnets on," I say on a grunt, kicking my shoes off, toeing my socks over my feet, and unbutton my pants shoving them off to join the pile on the floor.

She takes off her jacket with quick movements, her eyes take in the wide expanse of my shoulders, my broad chest that leads to a sturdy set of abs, and back over my bulging biceps where the veins are taut with how tense I am right now. It's strange to be standing before her half-naked. She's never seen me like this before besides for going to the beach together or swimming at the local pool and still I was wearing board shorts, not boxer briefs that do nothing to hide my erection.

Her dress is yanked over her head dropping to the floor unceremoniously. Her hands ball into fists as she does her best to keep eye contact with me. She's absolutely stunning in her matching lacy red bra and underwear. Her panties are see-through and I'm able to tell she's completely bare save for a small strip even with the fishnets over them. They make little indents in her golden skin and I know she may not be too happy with what I'm about to do.

"Lay back on the bed," I demand, she obeys instantly shuffling up on it. Her chest is rising and falling fast, the vein in her neck throbs.

"Are you scared?"

"Yes," she confesses instantaneously, "But I want you so much that I'm willing to fight through the fear."

"If I do anything that hurts, tell me. I'll stop immediately," I assure her placing my palms by her hips leaning down to press kisses along her smooth belly. It clenches under my lips eliciting a chuckle out of me.

I thread my fingers into the fishnets near where I'm desperate to touch her and tear them away from the area. They rip easily. She pushes up onto her forearms giving me a disbelieving look.

"I'll buy you more," I say and press my lips to the soft skin of her inner thigh. She falls on her back once again legs spreading more for me. My lips widen into a smile, but I wipe it off my face so I can nip at the tight skin soothing the pain away with a gentle flick of my tongue. My lips trail higher until my head is buried between the apex of her thighs, her sweet scent washing over me, and I can't wait any longer. I hook two fingers into her underwear, surprised by how wet they are, and find her soaking for me.

Groaning at the sight I eagerly swipe my tongue along her slit lapping up her juices. Rey gasps arching her hips off the bed, I splay one hand on her stomach pushing her back down holding her in place so I can taste her.

_Damn it!_

She tastes _so good._

Smells _so sweet._

Circling her clit with the tip of my tongue elicits so many moans from her lips, thighs quivering as I move my hands to rest on her inner thighs pushing them further apart. Her knees almost touching the bed. Flexible little thing.

My tongue traces teasingly from top to bottom over and over again that I know it's driving her to the point of madness. She's begging for me to make her come.

"Patience Rey. I want you soaking for me. I want you to feel so worked up that you will need my cock to relieve the ache."

"I already do!" She whines throwing her head back, clawing at the bed sheets.

"Just trust me," I whisper and suck her clit in between my teeth.

"Oh god," she whimpers helplessly.

Using my thumbs I part her folds and circle the tight ring of her opening. My hips roll into the edge of the bed like a teenage boy rutting against a pillow to imitate a girl underneath him. I can't help myself though. She's so tight and warm as my tongue pushes through the ring. Her walls flutter around the intrusion. Stiffening my tongue I begin to thrust it in and out of her, my thumb begins to circle her clit, and she clenches so tight around my tongue that I groan loudly. The vibration must be too much because suddenly she's crying out and clutching my hair in a death grip tugging as her body shudders violently.

I've never gotten a girl off that fast that's for damn sure. I don't want it to stroke my ego, but it does somewhat and I end up smirking up at her.

"Wipe that smirk off your face, Ben," she hisses, but it holds no weight behind it.

"Sorry," I laugh standing to push my boxer briefs off. Her eyes go comically wide on her face, but suddenly she's yanking her bra off and shoving her panties and the useless fishnet material down her legs.

Her cheeks are flushed, nerves evident as shaky breaths escape her parted lips.

"Scoot up," I murmur, she hikes her body to the top of my bed resting her head on the pillow. My large body crawls over her, her legs spread for me so my lower body can fit between them. Reaching over I open my side drawer grabbing a condom. I bought them a few weeks ago for some unknown reason. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but not so much anymore with Rey looking like a goddess beneath me.

So many freckles adorn her flushed cheeks trailing over the bridge of her nose adorably. Little puffs of air push through naturally pink lips and her brown hair frames her face like a halo. Still holding the condom in one hand I run my fingertips with the other across her collarbone, down her sternum where I feel her heart thudding against her chest as if it was trying to escape.

Cupping one small tit in my hand my brows crease and I know I've died and gone to heaven. Her tit fits even better than I thought it would in my large hand. Caressing the softness of her, I run my thumb back and forth over the tight bud. Her hips roll against me causing her wetness to skim over my aching cock. We both moan softly and I become eager to be inside of her. Ripping the condom open with my teeth I roll it over my length pinching the top before I guide it to her soaked entrance.

Rubbing the tip through her wetness I manage to hit her clit every time I do so. Her moans are so sweet as they filter to my ears. The back of her thighs rest on top of mine, back arched enough that I could grab her hips and thrust away, but now that I have her right where I want her I decided that I actually do want to savor the moment. It's her plea that has me pushing the tip against the tight ring and shallowly impaling forward. She grimaces as I get just the tip inside, walls clenching too much that I know this is going to be way too painful if she doesn't relax.

"Rey, look at me."

Her alarmed orbs connect with mine and I feel my eyes soften at the sight, "You're my girl. I love you so much. I want to make you feel good," I begin to babble hoping that it will soothe her a bit, my thumb has begun to circle her clit with deep movements while I push a couple more inches inside of her, "When you moan it makes me so fucking hard. I could get lost in your kiss and right now I could die happy just from being in this position with you. You're so tight and warm. Feel so good wrapped around my cock."

Sinking further in I feel her relax and I end up bottoming out on her. I throw my head back on a gasp, my chest rises and falls hard as I try to comprehend how good it feels to have her warmth around me. She's a whimpering mess beneath me and the sounds she is making snap my attention back to her. Tears have begun to fall down her face and my heart stops for a beat.

"Shit, I'm so sorry," I rasp, sinking my forehead to touch hers as I grasp the sides of her face wiping her tears away.

"You're so big Ben. I feel like I'm being stretched so much, _it hurts_ ," she whispers. The sound of her obvious pain is enough to shatter me into a thousand pieces. I'm supposed to be her protector and yet here I was splitting her in two.

"I can stop," I breathed against her lips.

"No, keep going," she breathed back.

Bracketing my hands by her head, I push some of my weight off of her and slowly pull out to the tip only to sink back in at the same pace. Her walls sucked me back in so eagerly I wound up burying my face into her neck. I'm panting as my hips begin to pick up in speed, our hearts pound against one another's, and I begin to lose myself to the way my body moved against hers.

She was way too tight. I had taken her virginity and though I wanted to hate myself for it I knew she wanted it to be me. She wanted her first time to be with someone she loved. I wasn't an idiot to how lucky of a guy I was for her to let me be with her this intimately. Her lips claim mine, her kisses are long and deep making me dizzy with lust. I thrust deeper and she moans into my mouth.

She writhes beneath me, her lips melting against mine in a passionate tango. Then she's breaking the kiss gasping for much-needed air.

" _Harder_."

I bite out a laugh, grasping underneath her thighs shoving them to her chest and pound into her with no mercy whatsoever.

"Is-this-hard-enough," I growl punctuating my words with every deep and mind-blowing thrust that even has me wanting to cry out.

"Yes," she gasps.

I chuckle darkly hunkering back on my heels dragging both her legs over one shoulder and angle her body so I'm hitting so deep that I know she's seeing stars. Her head is thrown back, lips falling apart in ecstasy.

 I drop her legs letting them return to around my waist. Reaching up I circle her wrists slamming them down on the pillow by her head and rut into her like I'm more beast than human. Nipping at her jaw I move my lips down the throbbing vein and sink my teeth in between the spot where her neck and shoulder meet. I'm biting so hard I think I might draw blood. She doesn't shove me away instead she thrusts her hips up to meet mine and I meet it with one of my own.

With lightning speed I'm pulling out, grasping her hip to flip her on her stomach. A startled sound escapes her, but I don't waste time in pulling her ass up into the air loving the way her back arches so perfectly. Skating my fingertips down her spine I smack her ass and receive a low moan in return.

"You on birth control kid?" I ask running my fingertips over the red patch I've left on her freckled ass.

"Y-yes," she can barely manage to say.

"Can I fuck you without the condom?"

"Please!" Her ass wiggles in affirmation. Tugging the condom off I toss it to the side not caring where it ends up. I align myself back up with her opening and sheathe my cock inside her. We both moan. Cursing I grip her hips hard enough to bruise and begin to go at a pace that will leave her sore in the morning. She is unable to hold herself up, falling into the sheets gripping them hard.

Grabbing a fistful of her hair I tug her back against my chest, thrusting up into her almost violently, "Don't give up on me now princess," I growl in her ear. She scrunches her eyes closed tightly and it's a fucking amazing sight to see her this turned on by what I'm doing to her. I test the waters when I wrap my hand around her throat not enough to close off her airways, but firmly to the point, it does make her breath waver slightly.

"Ben, I can't take it anymore, please!" She whimpers and I show some mercy letting go of her so she can go back to grasping onto the sheets, writhing helplessly under my harsh pounding. With a few sharp jabs of my cock, I have her screaming my name.

I hunch over her slipping my arm underneath her shoulder gripping it and cover her mouth with my other hand as I slam myself into her with a brutality that is foreign to me. I've never wanted to hurt Rey, but right now all I want to do is show my dominance over her. She's drooling and I bite down on her shoulder feeling my release rising to the surface.

I _need_ her to come first.

"You like my cock princess? Like how much it fills you up? So fucking deep inside of ya?"

My dirty mouth as her grinding against the bed in search of friction, letting go of her mouth I shove my hand between our bodies, and stroke her clit.

"Yes! Oh, fuck yes! You feel so good Ben, your cock fills me up so much!" She babbles deliriously.

"I love you, Rey. Love you so damn much."

My confession of love has her screaming into the pillow as her walls clamp down on my cock.

" _Fuck_ ," I pant digging my head into her shoulder gripping her hips tighter.

Her walls spasm around my cock and it’s enough to spiral me towards release. I pull out spilling my spend all over her golden ass and back. I curse like a madman as the pleasure washes over me.

Forcing myself off of her I go into the bathroom grabbing a towel and move back into the room wiping my cum off of her. She rolls onto her back, pressing her palm against her forehead as she gulps trying to soothe her most likely parched throat.

"Want some water?" I asked pulling my briefs back on.

She shakes her head, "Come lie with me."

I obey her cuddling up beside her and pulled her into my arms kissing the crown of her head.

"I never thought it would be that amazing," she confesses.

"Me either, but holy shit you're a little vixen Rey," I tease and she playfully bats my chest.

"You love it."

"You know I do." I nuzzle my nose against her jaw loving the way she laughs brushing my bangs off of my sweaty forehead.

"I love you so much, Ben Solo."

I smile lazily at her feeling sleep taking me under, "I love you too kid," I mumble and the last thing I hear is her sweet laugh.

** _My perfect girl._ **

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XOXO


	9. Happy Birthday, Rey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter is short, but full of smut ;)
> 
> Enjoy and thank you for all the continued support on all my stories!! <3
> 
> I do have a chapter written for a new story. I might be posting that too tonight ;)
> 
> Much love <3

 

Four years later

Rey

"Happy birthday kid," Ben smiles down at me holding up a box. My heart stutters in my chest as I take it from him feeling the velvet underneath my fingertips. Opening it, I gasp at the beautiful emerald earrings sitting pristinely before me.

"They are beautiful."

"I was hoping you'd like them. I wasn't entirely sure if you were a jewelry fan."

I shake my head, "They are perfect. Thank you so much, Ben."

His large hand splays out on my neck causing my head to fall back on instinct. Applying pressure I keen into the touch, "That's a good girl," he murmurs heatedly.

Letting me go, I whimper at the loss of contact. He chuckles, "Let's go swim Rey."

The last thing I want to do is swim, but Ben had made sure to get us a house specifically with a pool just for me. I had begged like a child and that earned me a couple harsh slaps on the ass until he finally gave in. He had found a job as an accountant and was able to earn decent money. I had even enrolled in college working towards getting my degree in criminology.

My dad was still not happy with the idea of Ben and I being together. However, he was still civil whenever he came around to visit.

Ben and I had only gotten closer as the years went by. I honestly could not get enough of him which is why I'd rather have him inside of me rather than jumping into the pool right about now.

He pretended to be oblivious to my situation, just another thing he enjoyed doing to torment me. We both enter our bedroom, Ben strips out of his clothes revealing his powerfully built body to my greedy gaze. His ass is pale just like the rest of him but fit with muscle reminding me of how good it felt to grab as he drove himself into me. Without even glancing my way he pulls on black swim trunks.

With a huff of air, I change out of my casual clothes in turn for a one-piece bathing suit with a shark on it. Ben watches me walk past him, nose held high. I catch the shake of his head out of the corner of my eye and waste no time in diving into the pool. Ben walks out with a glass of lemonade in each hand, placing them both on the table before joining me in the water.

He pushes his dark locks to the side, a wide smile plastered on his gorgeous face. He swims over to where I stand in the shallow end; my elbows perched on the tile that wraps around the pool. Sidling up to me he cages me in with his massive body.

"You mad at me kid?" He leaned down biting the side of my chin playfully. I swatted at his chest.

"Yes, I am mad."

"Why?" He nipped along my jaw, large hands clutch my hips drawing my body up against his.

"I wanted you to fuck me."

"My girl is so damn needy," he chuckles darkly trailing his hands up my sides thumbs trace underneath my breasts. This bathing suit had no padding so just an inch higher and he would be stroking my nipples.

He decides to tease me, lips skimming over the throbbing pulse in my neck. My fingers laced through his ebony locks tugging him closer. He huskily growls against my skin, kissing his way feverishly up my neck to my lips. I moan opening my mouth to allow his tongue to plunge inside. He swallows every whimper down eagerly, urgently grinding his hardening cock into my stomach.

He shoves his hands up cupping my breasts, they were too small to fit perfectly in his hands, but that never seemed to bother Ben. I arch into his touch, he growls in kind tearing my straps down my shoulders trapping my arms by my sides. He latches onto one tight bud, I cry out letting my head fall back with a thud on the pavement.

"Damn it, Rey, so fucking pretty." He sucks hard on my nipple, his fingers stroke the other one maddeningly making sure it's equally satisfied such as its counterpart.

My legs wrap around his waist, he groans nipping at the bud slipping one hand to grasp onto my ass. He surges his cock against the material of my bathing suit, the small amount of material between us is enough to drive me up the wall with lust.

"Ben, I need your cock! Please!"

"You look so fucking sweet begging for my cock princess. You want me to take you right here? Push aside the flimsy material of your suit and shove all of me inside of you?" He growls against my breast.

"Please! I need you so bad!"

"As much as I'd like to fuck you here I'd rather do it in the shower." He pulls me into his arms with ease, using the steps to leave the pool.

He makes his way to the bathroom, kissing my lips with a yearning that I know all too well. Ben doesn't even need the use of his eyes as he shoves the curtain open bending over still slipping our tongues in and out of one another's mouths. Turning the water to warm he steps in with our bathing suits still on. My back slams up against the tile, holding onto his hair desperately keeping him tethered to me.

"You're perfect, I love you," he babbles against my lips wrapping one strong arm around my waist while the other shoves his shorts down. They fall to his ankles allowing him to step out of them pushing them back and away from us so he doesn't fall. With two fingers he shoves the material of my suit to the side running them through my slick.

He groans biting down on my shoulder. Lining himself up with my entrance, the blunt head probes at the tight opening still not used to his massive cock. He propels forward bottoming out in me. He stretches me to the point of pain, but it ebbs away only a moment later giving him the signal to continue. The coarse hair that surrounds the base of his cock prickling me. I should hate how it feels, but I fucking loved it. It always managed to stroke my clit perfectly getting me off in minutes sometimes.

Ben was freakishly strong, pounding into me with an ease that I'm sure was uncommon for acts like this. His arms didn't shake at all as he held me up with one arm. The power of his thrusts makes my breath hitch, sweat beads at his temples, the warm water only hitting his back. The warmth of the water and our pants steaming up the small space.

Dark eyes connect with mine, my brows furrow in passion, "I love you, Ben."

His pupils dilate wildly after that comment, "Say it again," he demands, the hand on my ass squeezing the flesh on a jarring thrust. My brain feels like it rattles in my head as I thud it against the tile wall.

"Shit, I'm sorry kid," he hisses cupping the back of my head to ensure I don't smack it again.

"Ben, please just keep going," I plead feeling so safe in his embrace it is causing me to go delirious.

"Fuck this shower then." He pulls out and I could murder him for doing so.

He turns the water off stepping out to dry himself off. I follow suit glaring at him the entire time. His eyes connect with mine, a smirk appears, "What's that look for kid?"

"It's nothing," I mumble stripping out of my bathing suit feeling relieved to have the wet material not plastered to my skin anymore.

"Oh baby, you think I'm actually going to leave you high and dry? No chance in hell," he growls coming up behind me tossing me over his shoulder unceremoniously. Giggling I slap playfully at his back until I'm thrown on the bed, one leg is thrown over his arm without a care in the world. He grips the back of my upper thigh near the junction where my hip and thigh meet. Wrapping his hand around the base of his cock he lines it up with my entrance and sinks his entire length into me.

I cry out at the feeling of being impossibly full. Ben is big. Almost too big if I'm being honest, but being stretched to this limit has me wanting more inevitably.

"So tight," he groans beginning to rock in and out of me at a slow, but confident pace. Suddenly, he grips my thigh with both hands propelling inward brutally. My other leg hangs off to the side limply. I'm open so wide for him and I can tell he's enjoying the sight.

He pants letting out little curses, telling me how pretty my cunt is, how tight I am, and how he would kill any man that thought they could ever have what was his. The dirty words have me arching, hunkering down on his cock.

He grasps onto the underside of my knee, while the hand that was on the back of my thigh slips down to my hip using his hold on me to spear me on and off of his cock.

"Ah fuck! You feel so good, Rey. So fucking good."

His lips are parted, harsh breaths escaping them. Dark eyes roam over my shaking tits, along with the expanse of the smooth neck that arches back urging him to mark it, and up to where my eyes stare at him with a look of pure awe.

Suddenly I'm being folded in half, both his hands grip under my thighs forcing my legs wide to accommodate his vast body. He pistons his hips so fast I whimper so loud that his dark eyes flash to mine worriedly. I shake my head begging him to keep going. All I could do was hold desperately to where his hands held my thighs to my chest. Ben is hitting me so deeply, a pressure builds low in my belly spiraling me further and further towards an earth-shattering climax.

He rolls his hips ever-so-perfectly that his pelvis manages to hit my clit with every powerful thrust inside of me.

"I can feel your walls quivering around my cock, you going to gush all over my cock princess?"

"Yes!" I'm practically sobbing at this point, he drops my thighs letting them wrap around his waist. My heels dig into his lower back, his cock is pulsing as I clench around it. He groans passionately, cupping the side of my neck as he slams his lips against mine. The kiss is untamed matching the vicious onslaught of his cock desperate to get us both to our release.

He hits a spot inside of me that ends it all for me. He swallows down my moans, my walls spasming around his cock.

He fucking whimpers!

Whimpers as he laces his fingers in my hair, hips erratically snapping forward.

"Oh god, you feel so fucking good," he whispers sounding overwhelmed as he continues to brutally drive into me.

He rotates his hips hitting me at a new angle and I swear I'm about to cum again. He digs his forehead into my shoulder, finding his release on a low groan. His cock pushes in and out of me with a couple sweet little bumps as he spills his warm spend inside of me.

He sighs, arms shaking with the effort to not crush me with his weight. He places a kiss against my shoulder before he rolls off of me.

"Happy birthday to me," I sigh and the last thing I hear before I nod off is his deep chuckle. It's warm and alive filling me up with so much love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XOXO <3

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr :)
> 
>  
> 
> [Here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spikeisinspace)


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